World of Bad Movies

Kanyakumari Express

2010-11-25T15:22:00.003+05:30

Yet another full blooded bad movie from Thokku. Once again he is in his top cop avatar but with a twist. He happens to be a part time carpenter! His choice of wardrobe makes Govinda look like a Giorgio-Armani-showstopper. His facial expressions, serious or otherwise, will have you in splits. The dialogues are incoherent and the conflict between the characters is never explained thereby leaving you confused till the end. And if you thought that Thokku's act in Chintamani Kola Case was over the top, then this one is even more maniacal. Watch it along with friends. Get entertained.

The Thriller

2010-11-20T14:55:00.007+05:30

Starring : Self-Proclaimed superstar Prithviraj a.k.a Puluthiraju as DCP Niranjan
Language : Malayalam, English , Hindi, Tamil (Reason: Puluthi can speak all four at random).
Runtime (Actual Movie): Doesn't matter. It feels much longer than it actually is.
Runtime (Slo-Mo): About an hour. (Now, who taught film-makers like Amal Neerad and B Unnikrishnan that more super-slo-mos mean style?)
Release Date : 17th Nov 2010. Bakrid. (Relevance: Spoiled an otherwise enjoyable holiday)

Make Up : Puluthi is portraying a fiery cop but the thick lipstick and rouged cheeks make him look like a wimp.

Worst Dialogues : Puluthi (To superior officers, villains etc), "I dare because I'm daring, damn daring". Classic!

Puluthi again (This time, to Home minister), "....I'm speaking for the oppressed and the repressed and the suppressed and depressed and the.....", the list goes on and I lost track. A gem indeed!

Puluthi (To Sampath), "Enne paartha bhayame bhayanthu odiduven". Now, we thought Vijayakanth had patented 'bhayam' lines! But, Puluthi is close on his heels.

Best Dialogues : Commissioner of Police to Puluthi, "You are a pain in the ass". Wish somebody told him this to his face outside the confines of the movie world!

Heroine#1 to Puluthi, "He was an asshole". Again, we wish the subject was Puluthi himself!

Anecdote on Heroine#1: Puluthi interrogates the girl with questions set in English and Hindi. She responds likewise, narrating her life as the girlfriend of Simon Palathinkal, a business scion. That life had its share of songs and dances, as we get to see in the flashback scenes. But the girl singing in fluent Malayalam? Now, that is impressive!

Anecdote on Heroine#2 : Interrogation time, again. This girl is Simon's secretary and also happens to be Puluthi's ex-girlfriend. Puluthi shows several photographs of hers in compromising positions with Simon. Her explanation? The boss used to shoot pictures with his arms around her even before she had the time to react. Not once, but several times! Say, what? Sati Savitri in torn jeans!

Worst Named Characters : Paaramada Subhash, RDX Anil, Mullaani Biju, Martin Dinakar etc. We thought Pattas Balu and Pan Parag Ravi were bad names. How wrong!

Footnote : Kanichukulangarayil CBI, Brahmastram and now this. Our film-makers better stay away from the 'based on a true story' stuff.

Mr. Bean as Kuruvi!

2010-11-05T15:41:00.000+05:30

Please check out this video where Mr.Bean tries a Vijay!

No Nonsense

2010-09-09T16:10:00.003+05:30

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Malayalam movies sometimes carry absolute gems of dialogues in English, Hindi or Tamil. These sentences are most often translated from the native language to the foreign ones, and hence when spoken, they result in unpretentious humour.

My all-time favourite line comes usually in a conversation between (a) Police Official and his subordinate, (b)Doctor and Patient, (c) Father and Son. And the sentence - "What nonsense are you talking"?

Shambhu

2010-09-06T17:40:00.003+05:30

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Whats Hot - Vijayakumar as an innocent-turned-criminal college dude.
Whats Not - Riyaaz Khan as a straight-laced budding politican who doesn't ham it up until the finale when he shows his true Villain colors.

Why Watch It - For the scene where Vijayakumar confronts a poor little Rat. See the acting genius of the Rat! This is Vijayakumar at his worst "Achuvetta-Njan-Onnum-Ariyaathe...." mode.

Pokkiriraja

2010-05-14T15:56:00.009+05:30

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Starring : Mammootty as Older Brother
Prithviraj as Younger Brother

What would you think if a movie begins with with rolling credits? Would you consider leaving the auditorium? As Pokkiriraja began in such a hitherto unheard fashion I contemplated leaving the theater then and there taking it as a cue. But the hardcore bad movie fan in me got the better of my body and I sank back into the seat witnessing a collage of scenes copied and pasted from a slew of past movies, especially those starring Mammootty himself.

The opening scene reminded me of Pothen Vava where two families where fight it out to decide who will organize the yearly festival held in their local church. While keeping the situation essentially the same, the writers of Pokkiriraja simply changes the premise to temple in place of the church. They follow it up with a scene straight out of Aaraam Thampuraan where a patriarch in the mold of Narendra Prasad schemes to disrupt the festival in question. Soon, scenes resembling Rajamanikyam and Annan Thambi depicting the childhood antics of the two Hero-Brothers fill the screen space.

Charged with a murder that he never executed, the elder one is ostracized from the community by the kids' idealist father. That it was the Dad who had accidentally committed the crime makes matters worse. The son now has to keep the reputation of his dad intact and dutifully accepts the punishment. This situation paves way for the Dad to ask for forgiveness to his son in the later part of the movie on the lines of (yes, you guessed it) Narasimham.

Well, the brothers are separated and they grow up in different circumstances. Younger Bro has an introduction song designed for him and where have we heard that exact tune before? Aadungada Ennai Suthi from Pokkiri it is. Meanwhile Older Bro turns out into a good-hearted Don much like Mammootty's role in Chattambinaadu etc. And as destiny (a big yawn) would have it, they meet in the most ridiculous way since the time of Manmohan Desai. One brother completes the siblings' childhood motto for the other and the younger one recognizes his blood. I'm sure nobody would want me to list those movies from the 70s. Moreover, the duo keeps exchanging praises using lines which has more to do with their respective acting careers and nothing to do with the movie as such. Soon Mammootty's stooges too join them with some crap about Fans Association and one gets the feeling if it is a frigging documentary on Superstars.

It doesn't end there. So, we have a dumbass Commissioner of Police and his screwed up family (Not sure about the bloodline of Shriya Saran - is she from the Cop's first marriage or from his current wife? ). In any case, our younger bro is madly in love with her and older bro would go any lengths to unite them. Dont mistake me, this is not an action drama as the title may suggest. This is purely what we in our BAD lingo would term 'wedding movie'. Hell, maybe not in the same vein as 'Seethakalyanam' or any Sooraj Bharjatya flicks, but there you have it. A confrontation scene between Bros and goons inside the villain's den (Police Commissioner nonetheless and it doesn't matter that the Bros are too goons themselves) is what gave me the creeps. All we normal viewers get to see (I say normal because it helps the cause of this explanation in latter parts) is a ruffian holding a gun straight at Mammooty and in the next shot we see the poor chap lying on the floor with Mammootty sitting relaxed in a chair while holding the same gun. Now, our Villain is so awestruck that he hasn't got a clue about what might have happened. And it is the turn of Bro Younger to persuade his Dad-in-Law-to-be to visualize the movement in super-slo-mo because Bro Older's action cant be comprehended by us mortals in 'normal' speed. Villain obliges and we see what actually transpired between the poor extra and Mammotty. Apart from the silliness of the whole sequence I was appalled by the fact that it was lifted from Mahesh Babu's 'Athidhi' which was released some three years before Pokkiriraja.

Special prizes for guessing the pranks (yes, pranks!) played by the Bros on the Villain before Prithviraj and Shriya tie the knot and we have our biggest summer release. If this isn't the abyss that most people claim that Malayalam Cinema has sunk into in recent times, then I don't know what is.

Aalwar

2010-03-02T17:44:00.019+05:30

In this Anniyan-meets-Ghajini movie, Thala Ajith Kumar plays the role of a one man army obsessed with eliminating criminals. He works as a morgue attendant in a hospital but is hell bent on donning a few avatars from Hindu mythology while he carries out his executions.

In the beginning, his selection of victims is either random or circumstantial. But a few minutes into the second half and we get to know that this is a standard revenge drama. The flashbacks show our hero as innocent as one could possibly be, courtsey Anniyan.

The villain kills his family, hits him on the head with a rod and leaves him for dead, courtsey Ghajini. Special mention - the scene where Ajith extends his hand towards his about-to-die sister, a straight lift from Ghajini. What is worse? The girl is named Kalpana!

The climax is yet another spectacle with Ajith getting burned from head to toe and escaping unscathed.

The presence of a heroine in this melee makes matters terrible and Asin ensures that we have a hell of a bad time watching this movie in entirety and her antics in particular.

Rakhee

2010-03-01T15:35:00.020+05:30

Rakhee features one of my favorite 'bad stars' (pardon the anagram), Jr NTR in one of the worst avatars he could possibly don. Now, I have always made statements on how not to get confused about an actor's on-screen and off-screen character, but NTR's role as Rakhee, the savior of women, made me feel like i was witnessing Pamela Anderson give a speech on chastity. For a star whose each and every film (including the one under scanner) carries several songs and other sequences with two or more heroines in skimpy garbs and compromising positions, it was indeed very funny to listen to several lines referring to the sanctity of womanhood and how not to take advantage of the fairer sex.

Not only does he make infinitely long, tearful, boring speeches on the same topic, Rakhee (short for Rama Krishnan and also refers to the pious arm-band ) also takes revenge on behalf of his beloved multi-million number of sisters on anyone who has ever (a) teased (b) molested (c) raped (d) tortured (e) traded (f) killed them. The motivation - his real sister's tragic death in the hands of her in-laws. He begins with finishing off the entire family responsible for her death and takes up the bigger cause. So we get to see a Rakhee who goes on a killing spree without caring about the degree of crimes committed against women.

As is the case with most serial killers whose have made their presence on screen, Rakhee too follows a pattern but unlike them he takes a much lesser complicated one. He carries a small plastic bag filled with petrol and walks/drives up to his target in broad daylight and breaks the packet on the victim's head . Soon, the victim gets drenched in the inflammable liquid from head to toe (with just a quart litre) and our hero finds enough time to light a match and burn him to ashes. Now, a killer of this sort should leave something on the crime scene as his signature and what better choice than a brightly colored rakhi.

Pic: A typical Rakhee assault

The Police Department shown in the movie deserves a special mention and so does actress Suhasini. Her role of a Deputy Police Commissioner in Rakhee can single-handedly shatter all the good work she has done in her past movies. And expectedly her character who begins pursuing the killer ends up supporting Rakhee for all his 'good deeds'. She goes to the extent of shouting at her superior that Rakhee is the only real cop out there. All this adds more fun to the plot and lets us laugh out loud at the absurdity of it.

As promised by the promos, we have several songs featuring NTR either with a gorgeous Ileana or a voluptuous Charmi, both being in their near-naked best and proved to be the much needed breaks between laughs.

Pic: All those rakhis on his arm were tied by his innumerable 'sisters'!

Neelathamara

2010-01-04T11:34:00.007+05:30

This is one Malayalam movie which would enrage those perpetual haters of the tharavadu-kindi-montha-kitchen-sambar template. Moreover, there are several visuals and subtle references to various elements of flora and fauna around the tharavadu , repetitive shots of a revered pond where the sacred lotus blooms and the exaggerated accent of all characters involved. All these are bound to make this movie a hell of sorts for any viewer who would love to see Malayalam cinema get emancipated from these age old shackles.

Watch it when you are in a sleepy mood. It would take more than 10 minutes for anyone to hear you snoring. Else skip the sleep inducing first 30 minutes and treat your hormones to the occasional display of cleavage by the leading lady.

Verdict: This lotus has no color.

A Brand New Bad New Year

2010-01-01T13:56:00.004+05:30

Another bad year has gone past us with its share of the ever delightful bad movies. Several popular Websites and Television Channels, especially the ones from India have come up with lists like 'Ten Worst Films of 2009'. Whatever those lists maybe but one this is clear, that the hype around these 'worst' ones is slowly garnering strength. Until a couple of years ago, such a craze surrounding bad movies were unheard of in public forums. Well, if this is the kind of attention bad movies receive when a year rounds up then we can proudly exchange a few pats on our shoulders, for we are the ones who relentlessly fought for the cause called 'Bad Movies'. And now it has arrived and is here to stay!

So, quite naturally, we wont be publishing any list, as reviewing bad movies is what we do year round. We know that bad memories linger around longer than expected and hence it is quite difficult to erase a few shocks Year 2009 gave us. But dont relax guys, this year too promises some really pathetic ones. Lets wait and see.

Cheers.
Chax. In association with Pappan, Hari, Giburaj, JD, Unda, Foreman, Machan, Pranthan, Nithin, Binu, Justin, Renju, Abu, Rahul, Uncle and Youth.

2012 - YOU ARE WARNED!!

2009-11-16T20:24:00.008+05:30

Hollywood has always fancied on Doomsday. And yet again, US saves! Only this time it couldn't prevent the catastrophe. I am a sci-fi enthusiast and let me warn you - there is nothing much sci-fi about this movie except for a few made up jargons.

Directed by Roland Emmerich, who has brought us Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow (probably still ain't satisfied saving the World for us), this is only good for its large scale graphical scenes. Infact I felt like being on a ride at an amusement park; the plane always takes off at the last minute for our HERO finds some reason for delaying like taking his daughter to the Volcano crater before it erupts which I still fail to fathom, flying between falling high rises and at one point even crashing through one, people dangling from office buildings above deep faults (cracks) developed after the massive and continuous earth quakes, gigantic Antonovs developing engine failures while a trusty caravan helps the hero overtake a seismic fault and volcanic debris. All the stunts were quite predictable to me though. Then the tsunamis devouring everything from Vegas, Washington DC, Europe, India, China...

We are revealed early on the imminent and unavoidable Earth destruction and that a governing body collects 1 billion Euros from those who wish to be passengers of a ship. The audience is left with nothing to do from here on but watch. I believe Roland did not care much to explain the scientific reasons as he doesnt want to find a solution to this. And ofcourse we have the US president who matching with current times is Black this time. Played by Danny Glover, he decides to stay back while allowing his immediate staff and daughter to alight the ship. At one point it was mentioned to be a space ship. How it sparkled hopes in me of Aliens appearing later on either being the cause or on a rescue mission shouldering US Army! Roland had other plans.

The ship was instead an ark; resembling only in the name and concept. It carries the most important political figures and billionaires, genetically superior humans, animals, artifacts. The bad scenes to watch out for are the ones when the usual romance, American family and humanitarian values emphasized through individual likes of John Cusack and others while we watch in awe as million others being disposed to the fury of nature. It is not the masses that matters; like us audience. It is John along with his divorced wife and children along with a dog making it to the ship.

After the movie you would probably end up getting your senses assaulted with liquefied brains and that "We were warned!!"

Angel John

2009-10-25T15:48:00.004+05:30

What is bad about this?

Stale one-liners and silly pranks by Shantanu, a lazy youngster.

A crude comedy track running parallel to the main story.

Disjointed screenplay.

and finally

Mohanlal, in an extended cameo, trying hard to make the character of an Angel believable.

Amazing Posters

2009-10-23T14:36:00.031+05:30

The Best Song Sequence Ever

2009-10-22T18:39:00.002+05:30

This sensational video is from a movie called 'Khooni Raat'. Watch it and see how bad it can get in Hindi Cinema.

City of Ember

2009-10-21T14:43:00.011+05:30

No matter the amount of praise we may shower on Hollywood, none would be enough to thank them for making movies at regular intervals which showcases the Americans' penchant for saving the entire human race. We have seen them fighting aliens and destructing asteroids for the sake of mankind and if you thought those were passé, in 'City of Ember' humans live in an underground city for a period of two hundred years without the knowledge of outside world. All for the wellness of our species.

The movie begins with the statement that the 'world has ended', but, we never get to see how it happened. Anyway, scientists and architects meet in a secret location and lock the 'fate of mankind' in a box to 'protect the future generations from sorrow about what they have lost'. They sets the box to 200 years and give it to the first Mayor of the Underground City. Soon, the narrative skips two centuries and we get to see a city illuminated with bulbs all around which are powered by a great Generator. However, frequent blackouts have been happening like never before and everyone in the city is alarmed.

As expected, the box of secrets ends up in the hands of a young girl who is the descendant of the Seventh Mayor and it is up to her and her friend (in pic) to find answers to a lot of questions. The boy works in the Boiler and finds his way to the generator while the girl who works as a Messenger and pin points the current Mayor as culprit. When they do find a way out of this City, any viewer wouldn't feel amused at the bumpy ride.

To the revered film makers of Hollywood, please dont make any movies of this ilk. For the sake of mankind.

Masala Mix

2009-10-16T12:41:00.016+05:30

'Rab ne bana di jodi' came off as little surprise for me. After all, what is there to expect from a Yash Raj movie other than Punjab, Pyar and Potatoes. I would say that Indians from the northern part of the country deserves this kind of trash and more of it. The fact that this all time dumb movie could attain blockbuster status speaks volumes about the mindset of both film makers and film goers from the said region. More films of this ilk are already following suit and among them is 'Dil bole hadippa'. Though it fared miserably in the box office, most paid-critics, media bosses and 'fans' were seen showing the thumps up.

So what kind of a film is 'Rab ne..'? Is it for the masses or the classes? My best guess is that it is for the asses; the ones with their brains and their backside in swapped positions. It is one of those movies where the stupidity of the audience is taken for granted. Let us forgive the audience since they have been groomed by the same film makers by making similar dumb movies for a period of one and a half decades. But, what were our celebrated reviewers like Rajeev Masand thinking while giving positive reviews for such junk?

According to those pseudo-intellectuals, two recent successful movies that can be labelled as masala are 'Ghajini' and 'Wanted'. Agreed that these two are not the examples of cinematic excellence. But, let us check out the possibilities as to why these two are labelled B-grade while a piece of trash like Rab ne escapes unhurt. Ghajini and Wanted featured superstar Khans, had several song and dance sequences, had romance and comedy. All of these being ingredients of any other Bollywood movie. So what separates these two movies from other Bollywood releases like the ones Yash Raj or Dharma Production churns out?

Both these movies are remakes from the South and had South Indian directors at the helm. Moreover both featured a few fight sequences which the Bollywood audience hadn't seen in a while. So, that could be the criteria followed by our celebrity reviewers in tagging a movie as masala. Now, at least to an extent it is the inclusion or exclusion of action among various genres of romance, comedy and drama that defines masala. Rab ne has all the routine songs and dances, vague attempts at humour, loads of tears and just about everything B-grade about it. Yet, it doesn't fall into the masala category and one reason could be that it doesn't have any genuine fight sequences. It means that certain film makers are able to produce total junk under the pretext of emotional melodrama and are capable of eliciting positive reviews using their clout in the media.

Rab ne - Highlights

A husband wears moustache by the day and takes it off by evening to present his alter ego before his dumb wife.

One of the most illogical plots I have ever seen in movies.

Disgusting sets. The lead pair's home, the hall where dance class is held, a garage where the pair holds practice sessions, a pal's hair dressing salon, all are sets that would make stage props of any 5th grade school play look classic in comparison.

The scene where a crying Shah Rukh Khan says "this is a story not written by us, instead by him", while pointing his finger towards a picture of Spiritual Leader of the Sikhs.

Right dude, when the story sucks the best thing to do is to put the blame on someone else.

Dialogues.

Anushka. "Har ladki yehi chahtha hai.....". Dear Chopras, we have had enough of har ladki stuff. Now, please move on.

Shah Rukh. "Hey.....Raj is here.....have no fear....". For how long have we been hearing these words?

Like I said, 'Wanted' is no classic, but it is a slick adrenaline pumping movie with a screenplay that moves at a much higher pace than any Chopra-Johar melodrama. Yet, some of our beloved reviewers said it had a wafer thin plot. If so then why do they use a different yardstick while writing about movies like Kal Ho Naa Ho or Dostana (both from the Johar stable) with plots thinner than wafer? True, that in a Nation ridden with corruption, it is no big deal to buy out an entire section of the media. But, the sooner Bollywood comes out of the clutches of Yash Raj-Dharma production houses and gets rid of this unholy nexus, the better it will be for the films it produces.

Turtles Can Fly

2009-10-15T19:10:00.015+05:30

We have seen movies far worse than 'Turtles can fly' and we too can make absolutely pathetic B movies. But then, most of those we have seen never pretended to be classics. That makes this movie special.

Now, as amateur film makers let us shoot a mediocre movie which can be heralded later as a classic. Here are a few tips on how to make an internationally (read America and its allies) acclaimed movie.

1. Set it in the pre-war Kurdish area of Iraq. This will give ample scope for portraying the anger of dissidents against the then ruler Saddam Hussein. Also, we get to show television footages of Desert Storm -II and the demolition of Saddam's statues.

Never mind if George Bush I and II combined has killed several multiples of people than Saddam ever did. That is not the point here. We have to show the plight of Kurds and that is it.

2. Come up with lines (however subtle they may be) now and then which praises the goodwill of America and its people. After all, Americans are the only ones who can 'rescue' people from 'evil'. Plus we will have several scenes where people rejoice at the very mention of American Soldiers.

3. Characterisation, especially that of men should be done in such a way that there should be no presence of young or middle aged men. That leaves us with the kids and the older lot, which will in turn give us the scope to show kids taking charge of everything. Remember, the more we present any serious issue through the eyes of children, the better we have a chance at Film Festivals.

But, there is every possibility that one would end up wishing if there was some adult who could give a slap or two to the ridiculously noisy lead character, a teenager nicknamed 'Satellite' and show him his place. Enough for wishful thinking, as it never happens.

The only consolation is that an armless boy head-butts this imp on his shoulder. Satellite then gets up with his nose bleeding, with the colour of blood being Yellow! Quite hilarious.

4. Now, using the ingredients 1,2 and 3, drag the plot as long as you can. This should ensure that you have an end product long enough for a feature film.

5. Finally, make yourself (and more importantly others) believe that your film is simply great.

There you are. Ready with your movie which is so akin to 'Turtles Can Fly'. By the way, when do they start inviting entries for Cannes?

Two Way

2009-10-12T12:41:00.030+05:30

Blame it on directors, choreographers ,stylists or whoever is behind this curious case of mix up in Indian cinema. These two are gems of their respective industries and there is no way one can hold them at the wrong end of justice. The duo in question are Aamir Khan and Surya. It all started when 'Ghajini', the 2005 hit in Tamil was remade into Hindi three years later. Aamir's makeover for the role was not too dfferent from what Surya had sported in the Tamil version. Incidentally, when 'Tare Zameen Par' was dubbed into Tamil, Surya had lent his voice for the character played by Aamir. During the release of the Hindi version of Ghajini, both these extra-ordinary actors were in praise of each other and I just hope that their mutual respect is still intact.

Year 2009 brought another success to Surya in the form of KV Anand's 'Ayan'. But the way the song 'Nenje nenje' from the movie was shot leaves a lot of room for questions. Why was it so similar to the visuals of 'Guzarish' from Aamir's Ghajini? Was it because both these songs were shot in the same locale?

Now, 'Aadhavan' featuring Surya is about to release in a short span and one of its promotional videos has an uncanny resemblance to the visuals of 'Behka', yet another song from the Hindi version of Ghajini.

This time it is not just the locale that plays spoilsport. Surya's funky hairdo, narrow fitting denims with suspenders, sleeve-less Tshirts and even those dance moves are straight out of Aamir's book.

It is no news that Surya is a cut above the rest in the industry he belongs to, much like Aamir, and if only the people behind the camera could be a bit more creative, this kind of unnecessary plagiarism could be avoided.

Random Pick

2009-10-08T23:09:00.028+05:30

Khatarnak
Language : Telugu
Starring : Ravi Teja, Ileana
Highlights : Hero going to school wearing shorts,
clearing 10th Class Board Exam so that he can
be placed by the villains as a mole in the Police Department.
Rating : 4 Rotten Eggs

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Mariyadhai - Vijayakanth once again as Father-Son duo.
What is it about : Sacrifice and more sacrifice.
Every character tries to win over each other by sacrificing more.

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Title :Bharathan Effect
Language : Malayalam
Starring : Biju Menon, Geethu Mohandas, Suresh Gopi
Verdict : The worst ever sci-fi flick

Robin Hood - Prince of Thieves

2009-10-07T12:18:00.017+05:30

Language: Malayalam
Genre: Action/Drama
Starring: Prithviraj, Narein, Bhavana
Director: Joshy (or Josheiey, as he spells at times)
Rating: Three Rotten Eggs

Contrary to what one might make out from the title, the protagonist of this movie hasn't got much in common with his legendary namesake. While the latter looted the affluent and fed the oppressed, the former played by Prithviraj, steals money from ATM counters of a particular bank (fictional, of course) for a reason which is entirely personal. So if this guy is a petty thief without any social obligation then why is the title of the movie an unabashed copy of a semi-biopic Kevin Costner starer? Well, we are as clueless as those investigators shown in this movie.

To add further insult to this excuse of a plot, the director has roped in four more bad actors in pivotal roles. Narein (I just hope I spelled his name correctly!) plays the role of a private detective hired by the Chairman of the Bank to investigate the series of robberies. An attempt to give several shades to his character has gone horribly wrong here. So we see him fooling around with the Chairman's Secretary, going about with the investigation as if he is holidaying in the Caribbean, cracking inane jokes as if they are earth shattering ones, handing a blow or two to an unruly customer of the bank etc. The weight of these several personalities is too much on him and as a result he ends up as a clown and quite a bad one at that.

The next in tow is of course, the bad actor of the decade (maybe our life time too!), Jayasurya. He is thrust upon with the role of a cop that requires robustness and he fails miserably as one would expect from him. Thankfully his role is minuscule and that itself is a consolation.

The names of the female leads, both fixated(one-way, two-way, three-way etc) on Prithviraj is enough to play spoilsport in any engaging conversation and both of them, Bhavana and Samrutha (as bad as ever) makes sure that we dont have a good time. They make things difficult either with their dialogues or songs and dances.

Bhavana's character, a staff of the Bank in question, is brought
from Mumbai to assist Narein and the two of them moves in as next door neighbors to Prithviraj. To our hero these two are simply auditors. Soon they start hanging out together and in a seemingly innocuous situation Narein reveals his true identity. Well, Prithviraj's hands tremble and he helps himself to a glass of water. A few reels and a lot of yawns later the twist in the tale comes out as stale as a week old roti and we are told that Bhavana is actually Prithviraj's girlfriend cum mole-in-the-bank. Well, she might have forgotten to alert her boyfriend that the supposedly charming auditor is in fact a donkey in disguise. Such memory lapse is of course pardonable in a movie like this. In another remarkable sequence, Prithviraj sets out on his motorcycle from Kochi after midnight, stops at an ATM counter of the Bank, withdraws money using several cards, repeats the process on the way till he reaches Thiruvananthapuram. A cool round trip of 450 Kilometers with countless stops in between and he is back in Kochi by dawn! That mo-bike must be something and he must agility personified! Apart from such blatant errors, the repetitive and boring robberies, the leisurely paced investigations, the romantic tracks, the expected twists, the usual flashback, an illogical climax and an even more idiotic epilogue add to our woes.

On a general note, it must be said that whenever an Indian movie attempts to show technological advancements, we know we are in for good humour. The same holds true here too. Watch out for the scene in which Electro-Magnetic waves from an ATM is captured by an antenna which is placed in a car strategically parked by the roadside. Ditto for some of the sequences involving the designing of fake ATM cards out of used Mobile Recharge Coupons. The word 'scientific' is overused in the dialogues, if only some thought on those lines had gone into the heads of the writers.

Three - Love, Lies and Betrayal

2009-10-05T12:18:00.003+05:30

These days there is nothing new if you hear about an Indian movie shot entirely in Scotland. After all, Bollywood is an Indian movie industry which has nurtured film makers like the Chopras and the Johars who have a penchant for setting their average desi stories in foreign shores.

But, 'Three - Love, Lies and Betrayal is a good example of how bad it can get while attempting to create a Hollywood-like movie in Hindi. The story, visuals, locales, wardrobe and background score are reminiscent of several Hollywood movies. Therefore the entire movie which is inturn the sum of all these parts, ends up as a cheap imitation. The three leading actors make this one an even more painful watch.

Star Kids and the Fall of Indian Cinema

2009-10-03T15:45:00.002+05:30

One reason why Bollywood can think past love, foreign countries, romance and drugs is that the amount of emotions that these characters need to portray are very limited, which is turn is very convenient for the so called STAR kids.
Come on guys, everyone says that Abhishek Bachan is a talented actor. Well before writing something bad about him let me tell some facts?(truth) about Abhishek, less I incur the wrath of his fans. AMITABH BACHAN is India's biggest star and an entry for his son into Bwood was a foregone conclusion. I am not mentioning his start-up movies less you get the tendency to puke.
I was watching a show in NDTV lately and Abhishek was telling the audience."See Star kids are not special. Its true that you get your first break in movies based on your Star status, but we are alone after that." May be true in some cases, but our dear Abhishek had 17 flops before he got his first hit. Of course, he is a much better actor now, but given that many opportunities even I can ACT :)
Now the host of the show was Farhan Akhtar and he promptly replied "Ya true, the only difference between the HARD Working Star KID and the aam aadmi is that the Star KIDS will come in their BMW's even for auditions.
Well Malayalam movie industry is safe from this trend. Well at least till Prithviraj came along. Now I do like him. He is a good actor and have done some good roles. But his launch movies are un-watchable. I can sit through "Manjil Virinja Pookul" even now. That's the difference between people who come up in life by proving their capabilities and those for whom the whole life is a set of privileged opportunities.
Like Jagathy rightly said " To enact a humour scene 100 % convincingly an actor must have encountered a similar situation in his life or at least something related to that incident. To portray the struggle in a common mans life comically, you need to identify yourself with those characters. All the actors prevailing in this generation have come up that way. The newer generation, that too STAR kids(who are so used to all the worldly pleasures) will find it pretty difficult to identify and relate with good CHARACTER roles. That's why the newer generation is always prone to act in movies related to love, foreign countries, romance and drugs.

Awaiting a saviour. Let actors like Kay Menon come to the forefront in Bollywood, rather than the craps like shahid, ranbir, kibir, kunbur etc

Love Aaj Kal

2009-10-02T15:37:00.004+05:30

You feel abashed after watching some movies. This one definitely belongs to that genre. When will Hindi cinema improve. As a keralite I feel proud of the talented directors and artists(keralites) who play their part in making intelligent and heart-touching movies(Ok- at least some meaningful movies).

The plot for a Bollywood movie is always on the same line.

A rich hero or a rich heroine. Nowadays both are rich
Both are working abroad(or studying)
The hero and heroine are very close friends. The hero is obviously well-liked and a charmer.
Hero falls in love with a dumb chick
The heroines marriage gets fixed
Hero realizes his folly and attempts to win her back. Interesting factor is nobody cares about the girl who is dumped by the hero.
Melodrama comes to an end after some heart wrenching(STALE) dialogues by the hero

Love Aaj Kal is pretty much along the same lines. Saif Ali khan and Padukone are lovers and they decide to split after padukone finds that her interest lies in renovating art sculptures in India. Saif dreams of a job in the US(I find that pretty amusing in these time of the "recession"). He finds a new love - a russian girl who obviously finds India quite charming and interesting and wants her lover to take her there. Saif decides to take her there and during that trip he meets up with padukone(who has got engaged to her boss). During these liaisons they discover that the chemistry between them is still intact. The film is all about how these lovers unite. You would have guessed the remaing of the story by now. The climax of the movies is pathetic. The director tried to copy the climax scene of Dil Chatha Hai, but the end result was "a bad ending".

A very interesting Scene in the movie

Padukone fights with Saif and gets married to her boss. She gets up from bed next day morning and ponders seriously over something for sometime. Then she walks up to her husband and tells him. "Maine Galthi kia"..I made a mistake. I have to go and meet up with Saif. Well what should we(the poor audience) and her husband INFER from that statement. Does it mean that HE was not good in bed... ha ha ha... Make your own inference

Some people may like these movies. I went to watch this along with my 2 friends and they liked it. So people with a romantic inclination may like this movie.

Others please STAY AWAY.

For hindi cinema to improve directors have to be aberrant and willing to take risks. God save Bollywood

Rock n Roll

2009-07-31T14:54:00.007+05:30

Being a keen follower of bad movies in the past few years, I have come across several sub genres of bad movies in different languages. But I must admit that it is difficult to classify Rock n Roll according to any of those existing genres in Malayalam cinema.

While it's true that the overall presentation of the movie has a bit of novelty, the end result is nonetheless bad. Mohanlal plays the role of a renowned drummer who sheds his Casanova persona to woo a young struggling songstress played by Lakshmi Rai. Director Ranjith stretches this titbit of a plot to a couple of hours of ennui and plain irritation. Even with an impressive cast, this take on the lives of musicians is stale and ridden with bromides. Overall a whole new treatment in bad movies. Rent its DVD and watch it when you are relaxed.

Rappakal

2009-07-29T14:13:00.002+05:30

This is one of those unpretentious comedies, to be savoured in the company of a few like minded friends. I believe that its makers intention was to cash in on the hysterical loyalty shown towards tearjerkers by a huge population of women in Kerala. But, it can give you a different kind of entertainment provided that you dont watch it alone or along with your family.

I remember the time when this movie was released in theatres and the instant hatred I felt towards it. It wasn't just that I hated all family dramas. All of Rappakal's promos featured a dhoti clad Mammootty doing household chores. I almost instantly dubbed it a 'Kitchen Movie' and continued to use that expression among my friends whenever our topic under discussion touched upon similar movies. Less did I know that I could enjoy this in a cynical way even when keeping all those factors which fuelled my ire intact.

One amazing fact about Rappakal is that it is shot almost entirely entirely within the premises of an age old villa, colloquially known as tharavadu. This alone should convey a great deal about the budget of the movie. Watch it in the company of your friends and laugh out loud at the over-the-top emotional scenes.

2012 Doomsday

2009-07-08T13:37:00.013+05:30

You may have seen several movies pertaining to the end of World, but this is one true B-movie stuff that the fans of its genre wouldn't want to miss. The contrived plot, low cost production, bad acting and clichéd dialogues make it a worthy watch.

Memorable Quote

Sarah : "Listen to me Alex...something is happening here....I can't explain it...I can't rationalize it...but I just feel it!I got to trust that! I need to get her to the pyramid....If you don't want to help I understand...I do...I won't think less of you...but I got to do this!"

Raavanan

2009-07-07T12:12:00.000+05:30

This could have been initially planned as a take on Vikram's 'Anniyan' and might have gone horribly wrong during the run. Thankfully there's no Multiple Personal Disorder involved in here. It's just that Varghese(Mani), an honest IPS officer goes around at times under the pseudonym Raavanan in ill-fitting wigs to bash up baddies.

Well, our hero gets to investigate a case involving Nishanth Sagar, Madhu Warrier and Sudheesh, three fugitive college students! What happens next is anybody's guess.

Highlight : The song performed by 'Trimurtis'- the triumvirate under question.

We are told that an International Music Company wanted to make an album featuring them! Listen to it. Even you wouldn't mind launching a music label for their sake.

Kanichukulangarayil CBI

2009-07-06T18:30:00.008+05:30

Based on the murder of a private banker by his one time bosses, 'Kanichukulangarayil CBI' tries to tread a path less travelled in Malayalam Cinema and falters in the process. While Hollywood has been successful to a greater extend in adapting real life crime sagas into celluloid, our regional movie Industries are far too behind.

For one, actual names of people involved in the incident are substituted by homonyms in this movie. However, it's no coincidence that the production banner's name is the same as that of the real defendants' firm. Well, to say the least about the movie, the production values are way below average, the direction amateurish and the script even more pathetic. The performance of actors, both seasoned and rookies seem equally shoddy. Now, I'm not sure if this movie made it to the theatres. If it did, it's makers should definitely hold a bash in grandiose style. Because, this is not even straight-to-DVD stuff!

Watch it when you are in a really good mood. If not, its after-effects might get out of hand.

Special Mention: The shameless use of the popular CBI movies' theme.

Deja Vu

2009-07-01T12:43:00.004+05:30

Denzel Washington, Val Kilmer, Tony Scott, Jerry Bruckheimer - names which are unlikely to be featured in this column, you may think. But then, Deja Vu is one tedious exercise which stings your eyes and chokes your breath making you wish you were reading a badly written thesis on rocket science instead.

We are told that there is a program which renders images from different sources to reconstruct events from four and a half days ago. So, instead of investigating an explosion that happened on a ferry, and a naval one at that, our protagonists stay glued to a screen going over whatever has happened in the days that led up to the big bang. Since those electronic eyes can see through walls, we get to see the most intimate of moments from a citizen's life without so much as a minor fuss on violation of privacy. Well, just as I thought that I was peeping at recent history of a woman along with our central cast of characters, she blinks her eyes when Washington flashes a torch at the screen. An avalanche of technical bullshit breaks out from the mouth of a geek following this and soon we get to see Denzel Washington getting ready to go back to the past and to change the future.

I don't particularly have a problem with time travel. Despite many glitches I have enjoyed movies like 'Time Cop' at its time. But let me admit that this one is a painful watch. Please shed your 'fan' tag of the above-mentioned personalities while attempting to watch this.

Rajadhiraja

2009-06-11T14:12:00.022+05:30

The latest offering from dancer/actor/director Raghava Lawrence titled 'Rajadhiraja - Low Class King' (pronounced as Kink by him for reasons yet to be known) stretches the bad movie phenomenon to unimaginable limits. Watching this badly scripted, badly made, badly acted flick is like getting struck by lightning - you are unsure about the proceedings until it's over, you may survive the hit but it wouldn't leave you unscathed.

Rajadhiraja urges you to keep track of your heartbeats, in between several bizarre sequences, to make sure that you are still alive and had not died and gone to hell. I'm still reeling from the effects it caused me while I was at it. I may not watch any movie at all for a few days to make sure that such a catastrophe doesn't strike me again in such a short span.

The movie kicks off with quite a few kicks delivered by the hero to unknown enemies and when it is over a narrator's voice comes up and asks us to see how everything came down to this. So we get to see Raja's (Lawrence) childhood, his dad, three elder brothers and a sister-like younger girl. In complete contrast to umpteen movies, here the dying father asks the youngest child to educate his elder siblings and turn them into a police officer, an advocate and a doctor - personifications of the three prime establishments which caused his untimely death. So we have the first song where the grown-up Raja welcomes his brothers who are dutifully dressed in a cop's uniform, a lawyer's black garb and a doc's white overalls. Needless to say that these very same brothers have an ideology contrasting that of a social conscious Raja and soon evoke their benefactor's wrath. Their allegiance to a criminal-politician called Shailaja(Mumtaz - minus a lot of kilos) make matters worse. She loves to be draped in saris only to strip them off after a bout of fiery dialogues. Thankfully, Mumtaz's rigorous workout sessions and fat burners have paid off well and we just hope that her newly acquired trim waistline is here to stay.

There are three heroines plus villain Mumtaz and no prizes for guessing why this movie was actually shot, in the first place. I couldn't have been more erroneous when I thought that the village belle who is in desperate need of oil massages from Raja was the sole female lead. Five minutes into the second half and another lissome lass barges into our hero showing footage of his massage sessions and street fights and laments on how she suspected him to be a bad guy until his friend convinced her that he was as pure as gold. Surprise! this girl is the younger sibling of Shailaja. And what happens when the two prepares for a clandestine meet? He gets to roll on a mall's floor to and fro with the fourth leading lady (Kamna Jatmalani) while his current sweetheart is staring down at them with obvious horror. Of course, these proceedings ensure that we get bombarded with yet another song sequence.

Soon, Raja devises and implements several plans to inculcate morality into his brothers and succeeds in most of them. A few glitches here and there on his part take the matters to a really bad climax. When the end credits roll alongside a miniature frame reserved for epilogue we see two heroines with the exception of Kamna alongside Lawrence. The narrator comes alive again and says something. Guess Lawrence will have to be contented with just two.

My advice to anyone attempting to see this one on big screen is to have an ambulance at your disposal. Have a go at it and put your endurance to test. It's a rare experience to come out of the auditorium alive and feeling dead at the same time.

Memorable Quote : "Tamille sonna Rajadhiraja, Englishle sonna Kink of Kink."

The Male Factor

2009-06-01T18:55:00.010+05:30

Any filmdom in the world is bound to have trends. A trend comes into being, primarily, because film makers would want to repeat certain features of a previous film or films that were successful. But, in Bollywood it may not just be a case of repeating successful elements. Trend can be the result of a certain propaganda too. Bollywood, one of the biggest movie industries in the world used to entertain a very large section of the Indian society for decades. Sadly, post Millennium, it caters only to a certain strata of the society and has largely ignored the rest. Even when Non resident Indians have carved a niche in Bollywood's spectrum of viewership, a major chunk residing in India is out of it.

For a long time, Bollywood was synonymous with masala movies and action was one of the prime ingredients. Until it met with its demise somewhere in the 90s, that is. Since then most Bollywood movies have been either tearjerkers or brainless comedies. This dearth of action on screen has to be analysed alongside several other factors - some natural and some enforced.

The Transformation
With the success of a few movies better known in their abbreviated forms, a section of the media went to town proclaiming that movies with action and violence at its core will not work any more. Soon, Chopra and Johar, were the names to be heard everywhere. They and their followers were the ones who churned out movies set in exotic locales and giant mansions. The sequences in their movies were stuffed with a blatant overdose of emotion. Simultaneously, the very biased media went on to paint a new picture of the male of the species. According to them, this new age man was no more macho. He was quite the opposite of a conventional man.

Shah Rukh Khan, who made a name for himself by playing violent roles in several earlier films gradually transformed to become the torch bearer for these film makers and the media. This 'Superstar', the media claimed, did not kill anyone any more, did not shrug when he cried and was sensitive to female characters! The new star became buddies with the Chopras and the Johars thereby narrowing his chances to work outside their banners.

These film makers started etching out effeminate characters for lead actors and sequences peppered with gay humour, ostensibly, for the new generation of film goers. They projected their movies as cool and urbane through the same section of the media for whom Page1 was no different from Page3.

The Multiplexes
As if the Indian society was not satisfied with the sectarianism on region, language, culture, religion, caste and wealth, all of a sudden, it was split into further two with the advent of multiplexes. Now there were two set of viewers - the ones who bought a ticket and popcorn for 700 Indian rupees and revelled in the ambiance of plush malls and the ones who were condemned to satiate their quench for movies in age old 'single screens'. The phrase 'front-benchers' met with its extinction. After all, what difference did it make if you sit in the balcony or the front bench as long as you were a lesser mortal, a wretched piece of shit, watching a movie in a single screen?

Multiplex was the in-thing, the happening place, where youngsters could hang-out, where new age film makers showcased their talent before the urban - read rich - audience. Soon a new genre named Multiplex Movies that cater to its audience was born. Action and violence was out, thanks to the media and our very own close-knitted bunch of film makers. Over the years, this syndicate found moderate success in cultivating the mindset of movie goers according to theirs. As a result, women and gays, preferring snobbish female characters and gay gags on screen formed the target audience for Bollywood movies.

The Arrest
It was a year after the great Bachhan left his prolific super stardom spanning a decade and a half when everyone sat up and took notice of a man no lesser macho than Bachhan himself. The man who could portray a distressed lover and an angry young man with the same aplomb, he was Sanjay Dutt, the one who could solely take the industry forward. But things took a different turn when he was arrested for possession of an AK56 rifle smuggled into India in connection with the Bombay bomb blasts. The crown was lost.

Thereafter, among numerous trials, terms and paroles, he lit up the screen with several tough gangster roles. But he could never be the one he was destined, as everyone believed, to be. Had the likes of Sanjay Gupta, Mahesh Manjarekar and Ram Gopal Varma made more films with Dutt, Bollywood would have had no dearth of macho roles and masculine movies.

Post Ghajini
True that Ghajini featured Aamir Khan, the individualist, that ensured such a phenomenal opening for the movie. But no one can deny that its slick action and sheer thrill were the elements that catapulted Ghajini to the top-grosser slot. It succeeded in giving Bollywood and its pseudo-stalwarts a much needed shot in the arm and elsewhere.

However, it remains to be seen if this could translate into Bollywood's acceptance of a wider audience under its wings, incorporating more people, especially men, irrespective of socio-economic segregations. Glancing at the slew of films listed for release in the near future one fails to see any effects that Ghajini might have caused. With the exception of maybe 'Wanted', all others adhere to the mushy romantic-snobbish heroine-metrosexual hero multiplex movie concept.

While Hollywood has gotten over silly romance and gay comic capers and has moved to big budget action films, a faction of Bollywood is trying hard to infuse the junk thrown out of the US into the Indian mainstream cinema. If only Wanted could pick up from where Ghajini left.

Hell Comes to Frogtown

2009-05-28T11:46:00.011+05:30

Guys, take a moment out of your precious time, step aside and take a bow in an animated fashion before this classic of a bad movie. This is one 'hell' of a 'Bad'scar material featuring everything and anything that a bad movie should possess.

We get to see mutants with frog heads (similar in shape but larger in size) armed with heavy ammo, the only virile man alive called 'Hell' who has this 'task' to impregnate women, screwed up gimmicks, bad acting, bad craft and Sandahl Bergman. When we get so much of shit, do we need to ask for more?

Bergman portrays a tight-arsed doc/scientist who engages in some crude eroticism along the way and eventually falls for Hell, our mega-potent hero. A veteran of several B movies, Bergman makes sure that her performance is in sync with all other bad factors with which this movie is ornamented.

The way the mutants are made up is both nauseating and rib-tickling at the same moment. A special mention goes to the lock (in pic) with which Hell's private parts were secured. The lock is connected to Bergman's ear rings in such a way that severe pain is inflicted to our hero's crotch lest he should make any attempts to flee. Wonder how he used to answer the calls of nature while traveling to Frogtown. All in all, never ever give this movie a miss. This is the worst that you can ever ask for.

Vallavan - wow

2009-05-27T08:58:00.007+05:30

"Tamil films are creative, technologically advanced with good scripts,talented directors and actors"

This statement usually arises when a mallu has an argument with a tamilian regarding the quality of movies from malayam and tamil. Well, in such a scenario if you want to close the argument and leave on a winning note, ask that tamilian to watch "Vallavan".

Silambarasan a.k.a assol is a student who falls in love with his teacher 3 years older than him. He dons a disguise as a professor wearing a false teeth(quite cute) and finally wins over Nayan "Tara"(The so called teacher). Later she comes to know that he is a student and breaks off the relationship. That's when we come to know abt assol's old relationship with "Reema Sen" in school.

Seeing Chimbu and Reema Sen masquerading as school students is so CUTEEEEEEEE

Chimbu has also managed to enlighten the audience by allowing his dad, Mr Rajendar some scenes during a song.

The theme of the movie - Love(Tamils never improve)

Highlights- Directed by Chimbu with assistance from Rajendar(Seeing the movie you would be forced to belive that most of the inputs had come from rajendar)

Message from the movie - U should do anything that your gf asks from u, even if it includes licking her shoes in public.

Rating - Must Watch(U will get to know what not to do in love :))

DOA - Dead Or Alive

2009-05-17T12:25:00.004+05:30

This is one movie based on martial arts that lovers of the genre would love to give a miss. A girl searching for her lost brother ends up in a screwed up mansion where people are pitted against one another in a battle for life. So, we get to see a daughter fighting against her dad and teaching him a trick or two in the process. The mansion is, of course, owned by a megalomaniac and soon some of the contestants join hands to oust him.

Watch it when you are in the mood to see half-naked women fighting against men or against each other.

Crank

2009-05-15T12:37:00.009+05:30

If you were an ambitious small time gangster and by chance you had a rival assassin at your mercy, how would you kill him? By injecting some kind of poison into the victim's body? Maybe. But what if the poison is something that would keep your victim alive if the person keeps his adrenaline pumped up? Sounds illogical? Yes. That's why we have a movie like 'Crank' which features Jason Statham running and jumping around LA, all to keep himself alive and to finish off his rivals.

If causing damage to shopping malls or creating havoc in hospitals can't satiate his need for epinephrine, Statham cajoles his Miss-two-goody-shoes girlfriend to have sex with him in broad day light with half of Chinatown watching them intently. The final sequence where he talks on the phone while free falling from a plane is worth a mention.

Lokanadhan IAS

2009-05-04T09:12:00.019+05:30

Starring: Kalabhavan Mani

We all love bad movies. Otherwise, we would be doing better things than pushing and prodding the cursor through some mambo-jumbo most people would find difficult to connect with. We love bad movies because they audaciously question our level of intelligence, test our patience and subject us to varying degrees of boredom, despair, alacrity and even entertainment. And then there is Lokanadhan IAS, a movie so bad that it ensures that any viewer is tortured to the fullest.

Lokanadhan(Mani), the son of a slain political activist, is an Indian Administrative Service aspirant who resides in a slum. He drives an auto-rickshaw to make ends meet and pops up at the right moment to save his fellow drivers from onslaught. Things take a far more worse turn when he gets selected for IAS.

We get to see a brown colored envelope in Mani's hands and the next thing we know is that he is posted as the Collector for his home district. How misinformed we were when we thought that the chance for a trained IAS candidate to get posted in one's home state, let alone the home town, was minuscule. Mind you, then, that we thought the training itself lasted for a couple of years and it took several years of service before for one could get posted as District Collector.

From then on, scenes filled with crass dialogues and crude action fly past your eyes, ears and brain at break-neck speed. Lokanadhan's actions as the District Collector leaves you numb for its outright stupidity and lack of logic. It gets worse when he quits his job and moves onto politics and finds himself a spot in the newly elected ministry. The plot is stretched till an overly done finale where the villain is finished off mercilessly.

Last Word: 'The Unimaginable' would have been a suitable title if this socio-bureaucratic-political drama were to be christened in English.

Black Cat

2009-04-30T11:29:00.011+05:30

This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you. Firstly, this is not even a bad movie, it's downright horrible. From the start till the end credits it's one hell of a viewing experience.

Suresh 'Thokku' Gopi portrays two different personalities of the same character separated by time and space. And no surprises, one of them is a dynamic cop. This prompts us to raise the fundamental question. Will we ever get to see a 'Thokku' movie where he doesn't don a cop's uniform along with the omnipresent gun.

'Thokku' tries hard to invoke laughter by engaging the other personality, a dark-skinned, long-haired retard, with an accented speech but succeeds only in irritating the viewer further. Incidentally, this dark complexion is one of the two results of a blow he suffered at the hands of the villains. The other one being a loss of memory!

Meena plays a doc who has post graduation from an American university but prefers black magic along with her ayurvedic-medico mentor. Well, while treating the reatarded 'Thokku' they unwittingly unleash a Pandora's Box and forces us through this excruitiatingly painful watch.

* Watch out for the court-room sequences. You may not get to see more ridiculous judicial stuff anywhere. I got up from my seat and banged my head (literally) on the wall while watching one of those scenes.

Rating: Five Rotten Eggs

Verdict: Definitely on top of the list of all time bad movies in Malayalam.

Bada Dosth

2009-04-25T12:49:00.006+05:30

Bad Friend

Starring : Suresh 'Thokku' Gopi, Siddique, Manoj K Jayan, Jyothirmayi

A friendly neighbourhood don worshipped by the needy and the downtrodden in a society. This good samaritan has political, judicial clout and is known by the name 'Bada Dosth'. Cracker-jacker of a name for a don belonging to Kerala, you may think. But we will have to settle for that. And surprise, this guy was a hot shot cop in his previous incarnation.

Suresh Gopi dons the khakhi and keeps his gun busy for the umpteenth time. The scene where he is introduced as 'Bada Dosth' is outright comic and the chants that follow in the background are worth a mention. Watch out for the scene where he ducks under a bullet with impeccable precision.

Abraham and Lincoln

2009-04-24T12:00:00.019+05:30

Starring: Rahman, Kalabhavan Mani, Shwetha Menon. Director: Pramod Pappan.

This first of its kind biker movie in Malayalam came with the statutory warning that kids should not imitate its featured stunts. If only the stunts were somewhere near dangerous to what the average kids atop bikes do on our roads! But then, the kids are not as half-stupid as the makers of this 'action extravaganza'.

Well, the plot is simple yet complicated. The two revenge-filled protagonists, Abraham Dominic (Mani) and Lincoln George a.k.a Liju (Rahman) are friends-turned-foes-turned-friends! The two representatives of the gold mafia, Shankar Das and Rowther are no different. They form alliances and then turn traitors at the blink of an eye. This would have been less irritating if this process of switching sides was limited to a lesser number. But the script ensures enough confusion that you wish you were watching 'Wild Things 2' instead. The scene to look out for is the one where our hero duo hide inside a hoarding fixed on a bridge.

Were they shooting with a different kind of lens or has it something to do with the VFX? We never know. But the end result is so bad that it looks as if it was shot with a handy cam. The frames are overloaded with a sinistral mix of horrifying colours thereby justifying the makers' second statutory warning that the movie is not for the faint-hearted.

The director interjects fast forwarded wide angle shots of heavy traffic between sequences, presumably, to up the ante. This is a unique way of film-making, I should say. Buy its DVD. This is one collector's item you would be ashamed not to possess.

Rating : 3 rotten eggs

Ghost Voyage

2009-04-23T08:45:00.010+05:30

This is one Hollywood B voyage you wouldn't want to miss. From bad acting to bad lighting to bad CGI, this supposedly horror movie makes one hell of a hilarious roller coaster ride. Watch it, relish it.
The image given is apparently from the scene I loved the most. An arm made out of puffed out smoke goes on to choke the smoker himself. It can't get worse than this.

Boys and Girls

2009-04-22T09:00:00.005+05:30

Even a verbose might grope in the dark with absolute deficiency of words to describe this pathetically crafted show piece of work. It's so terrible that I was forced to change my perception about Silanthi, once hailed by myself as a classic in the genre of bad movies. For one, Silanthi did have something called continuity. 'Boys and Girls' beats it at that and so many other categories.

Set in the backdrop of a school in Germany(we are told it's Britain, but cant help but notice the signboards), where blonds, coloreds and Sikhs speak Tamil, a boy falls in love with his teacher and his dad does the same with his secretary. What's wrong here? It is the same woman both are in love with. Any hope of it ending there escapes as all the girls in the boy's class are in love with him. The effort to differentiate between fantasies and reality is next to impossible. I kept wondering if this was an ode to Gabriel Garcia Marquez and his penchant for magical realism! Songs and dances pop in and out without much relevance in full blooded bad movie style. The twist in the climax (ha ha ha) is even more horrendous and the final shot is extremely ridiculous. Don't give it a miss. Watch it. Hate it. Love it.

Outlander

2009-04-22T08:58:00.007+05:30

Well, if you haven't had enough of alien movies, creature movies and epic movies, here's one where all these are rolled into one. This is not one of those movies which makes you scratch your arms or face every other minute, but it's worth a watch for its moderate badness.

Bad Songs

2009-04-18T11:35:00.020+05:30

While the fate of most bad movies at the box office is in coherence with their content, it is not so in the case of bad songs. This may be attributed to the fact that it is the tune of a song that catches the imagination of a listener instantly. Therefore a peppy track bogeyed down by unimaginative lyrics might have the fortune of a good run among the public. Hence, picking the worst songs of a year is as not as easy as picking bad movies because some people may actually like these songs and wouldn't mind humming them on and off.

Still, our ears find it difficult to recuperate from the pain afflicted by certain songs. The Malayalam movie industry threw quite a few ones conjured up with bizarre lyrics and unruly tunes upon us in the recent past. Here is the top 3 worst songs from Malayalam which gave me the creeps of late.

"അസല്‍ ആയി അസല്‍ ആയി നീ റോസാപൂവഴകെ
ഗസല്‍ ആയി ഗസല്‍ ആയി നീ മൂളുന്നോ അരികെ
life is a lonely lollipop
love life in love you single joy"

Well, this one has become an anthem of sorts among the fans of bad movies in Kerala these days. Despite the rhyme, the obviously unrelated words 'assal' and 'ghazal' only adds to the agony of this scream of a song. The lines in English is bound to leave us reminiscing a lot about the days we spent in grammar school. Arguably, the worst song of recent times.

ho barish ho

This song from the movie Red Chillies features a Grammy-aspirant girl band doubling up as a team of RJs in a radio network. Thankfully, people from the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences never came across this song. Else, they would have had no qualms in awarding them with the iconic miniature gramophone for this number, for a different category though.

sha patha patha patha

It doesn't matter if the lines of a song starts with one language and then crosses over to several others while expressing an inner feeling if the progression itself is linear and natural. But this potpourri of a song has incongruous words from different languages sticking out with alarming ridicule.

Contest

2009-04-18T10:32:00.015+05:30

Songs are an integral part of Indian movies. Though it does not necessarily imply that bad movies should feature bad songs, it holds true at least for some. I have posted a few lines of a song from a Malayalam film titled 'Novel'. This song was hand-picked by a hardcore fan of bad movies for my scrutiny. Here I leave it to you guys to find out soon that there is nothing novel about it. Still, if anybody comes up with an explanation on what the lyricist meant when he wrote this, he will be awarded with a collection of bad movies in six different languages!

എന്‍ ഇണക്കിളിയുടെ നൊമ്പര ഗാനം
കേട്ടിന്നലെ ഉറങ്ങാതെ ഞാനിരുന്നു
അകലുമാ കാലൊച്ച അകതാരില്‍ നിറയുന്ന
മൂക ദുഃഖങ്ങള്‍ ആണെന്നറിഞ്ഞു

ശാരദ നിലാവില്‍ നീ ചന്ദന സുഗന്ധമായി
ചാരത്തു അണഞ്ഞതു ഓര്‍ക്കാതിരുന്നെങ്കില്‍
ചൈത്ര രജനി കണ്ടു സുന്ദര സ്വപ്നം പോലെ
ചാരുമുഖി ഞാനുറങ്ങി ഉണര്‍ന്നേനെ

Dinosaur Island

2009-04-15T12:35:00.005+05:30

With dinosaurs made of rubber and blonde cave women equipped with silicon implants, this stunner of a bad movie will make you cringe. My favorite scene is where a young soldier asks out a cave woman for a date so that, according to him, they can get to know each other well. She then asks him quite innocuously, "so that you can learn my turn-ons and turn offs"? And as an answer to his query on how she learned those words, she proceeds to show him a copy of a magazine on the lines of Playboy. Me being a full blooded bad movie fan was able to take it in my stride. I wish you all the very best if you are attempting to see this one, a classic I daresay.

Slow Track

2009-04-13T16:24:00.011+05:30

Assal Aaayi........

Friends,

I had the absolute delight of watching a sick Malayalam flick titled 'Speed Track' on my way back to Kerala from Bangalore.

The sight of an evidently obese Dilip donning the role of an athlete competing in multiple categories including high jump kept me entertained all through the movie. The rest of the cast mainly involves ludicrous characters in a college which is supposed to be crazy about games and athletics. The stand-out character among these is of course the outright manipulative villain who makes us wonder if he came in straight out of an Ekta Kapoor serial and swapped genders.

The less said about the heroine and her antics, the better. But the songs deserve a special mention, especially the one at the begining where our leading pair enters in a mock fight by calling each other names. The song begins with the rambling "ko ko ko kozhi....". Tune your ears to it to feel the pain.

Annual Golden Bananas

2009-04-13T15:37:00.007+05:30

Check out the link given below. It's the season of awards and bad movies are not too behind!

http://rajasen.wordpress.com/2009/03/17/golden-bananas/

Bad News

2009-04-13T12:37:00.008+05:30

Prepare yourself to get tortured. Go to the below link and read the full story.

http://in.news.yahoo.com/43/20090412/914/ten-i-do-see-myself-directing-a-film-bip.html

The Gun 'n' the Rose..err...Rope.

2009-04-10T15:29:00.011+05:30

These are a few candid pics taken while our shooting (was it shitting?) star Suresh 'Gun' Gopi met Miss World runner up Parvati Omanakkuttan. Hats off to our 'Thokku' for these hitherto unseen expressions and to Ms.Omanakkuttan's loud make-up, which she lost ultimately. LOL.

Sagar alias Jacky - Complete Screenplay

2009-04-08T16:19:00.004+05:30

Maybe all you guys have seen both the movie and this screenplay by now. But I just couldn't resist posting it.

With Love from Kerala

2009-04-08T16:04:00.002+05:30

What is stardom? Tune yourself to any malayalam channel and you can watch the derogatory acting of the Superstars. Invariably there are only 2 in malayalam since the reigning stars have created a monopoly of sorts.

Well let me say this upfront, these 2 are THE best or amongst the best in the South Indian Film industry, but both have been stereo typed to an extent from where there is no escape.

I used to be an ardent lalettan fan. Man, he is such a talented one yaar. I grew up watching his movies. That was a golden era in malayalam cinema with no dearth of good directors backed by good scripts and acting beyond compare.

It has all boiled down to the superstars being content with taking up roles synonymous with OMNIPOTENCE. I am really fed up of those stuff. It questions your intelligence as well as your loyalty to the superstars.

There are lots of new talent coming up in other south indian languages. I seriously dont know y there is a shortage in the mallu film industry. Must be something to do with internal lobbying between the superstars. I request all who read this to refrain from watching commercial cinema done by these actors as it is bound to be a waste of money and energy.

GOD SAVE MALAYALAM CINEMA

A ardent fan of malayalam good movies

Bad Stars

2009-04-08T11:25:00.025+05:30

It is not unusual to see actors rise above the very own movies they act in. A few lucky ones are able to do that repeatedly over a period of time. Eventually they end up as a kind of mutants that we have famously and affectionately christened 'stars'. Bad movies are no different in catapulting several individuals to stardom, though the league is slightly different from the mainstream. One can't be sure if those people are happy about such categorization. But in an era where any publicity is regarded as good publicity, I think being labeled as 'bad stars' is not too bad for them. Here is a collection of a few prominent bad stars from South India. Enjoy!

T.Rajender, undoubtedly the showman of bad movies, makes sure that no department in film making goes untouched by himself whenever he makes one. He is not known to feel contented with just being the scriptwriter, lyricist, composer and the director of a movie. He goes that extra mile to burden us with the task of watching him onscreen as the hero too. Doesn't he look cute in that red sleeve-less out fit? Watch the movie 'Veersamy' if you haven't had enough!

Vijayakanth a.k.a Captain, notorious for unimaginable stunts in several movies is an iconic figure of sorts. How can one forget the famous bullet scene and the electric shock scene. Ditto his sky-high eyebrows, blood filled eyes and perpetually waving hair.
Body painting will cease to be an art with this pic I selected, I suppose.

A video clip says a million words. So much so that words are yet to be coined to describe Balakrishna, popularly known as Balayya. Those famous video clips of his speaks volumes about him. Probably there is no one on this planet to beat him at stupid stunts. From stopping trains with a jab of forefinger to shooting down planes, he has done it all. Watch a few snippets from his movies to believe!

Ravi Teja is known not only for his funny facial contortions not at all befitting a hero, but also for weird body language. One of the movies I saw featured him going to school wearing shorts. Need I say anymore?

Sarath Kumar. The only person who has played the dual role of father and son n+1 number of times. Here he strikes a pose in classical(?) dance.

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