Hell Comes to Frogtown

Guys, take a moment out of your precious time, step aside and take a bow in an animated fashion before this classic of a bad movie. This is one 'hell' of a 'Bad'scar material featuring everything and anything that a bad movie should possess.

We get to see mutants with frog heads (similar in shape but larger in size) armed with heavy ammo, the only virile man alive called 'Hell' who has this 'task' to impregnate women, screwed up gimmicks, bad acting, bad craft and Sandahl Bergman. When we get so much of shit, do we need to ask for more?

Bergman portrays a tight-arsed doc/scientist who engages in some crude eroticism along the way and eventually falls for Hell, our mega-potent hero. A veteran of several B movies, Bergman makes sure that her performance is in sync with all other bad factors with which this movie is ornamented.

The way the mutants are made up is both nauseating and rib-tickling at the same moment. A special mention goes to the lock (in pic) with which Hell's private parts were secured. The lock is connected to Bergman's ear rings in such a way that severe pain is inflicted to our hero's crotch lest he should make any attempts to flee. Wonder how he used to answer the calls of nature while traveling to Frogtown. All in all, never ever give this movie a miss. This is the worst that you can ever ask for.

Vallavan - wow

"Tamil films are creative, technologically advanced with good scripts,talented directors and actors"

This statement usually arises when a mallu has an argument with a tamilian regarding the quality of movies from malayam and tamil. Well, in such a scenario if you want to close the argument and leave on a winning note, ask that tamilian to watch "Vallavan".

Silambarasan a.k.a assol is a student who falls in love with his teacher 3 years older than him. He dons a disguise as a professor wearing a false teeth(quite cute) and finally wins over Nayan "Tara"(The so called teacher). Later she comes to know that he is a student and breaks off the relationship. That's when we come to know abt assol's old relationship with "Reema Sen" in school.

Seeing Chimbu and Reema Sen masquerading as school students is so CUTEEEEEEEE

Chimbu has also managed to enlighten the audience by allowing his dad, Mr Rajendar some scenes during a song.

The theme of the movie - Love(Tamils never improve)

Highlights- Directed by Chimbu with assistance from Rajendar(Seeing the movie you would be forced to belive that most of the inputs had come from rajendar)

Message from the movie - U should do anything that your gf asks from u, even if it includes licking her shoes in public.

Rating - Must Watch(U will get to know what not to do in love :))

DOA - Dead Or Alive

This is one movie based on martial arts that lovers of the genre would love to give a miss. A girl searching for her lost brother ends up in a screwed up mansion where people are pitted against one another in a battle for life. So, we get to see a daughter fighting against her dad and teaching him a trick or two in the process. The mansion is, of course, owned by a megalomaniac and soon some of the contestants join hands to oust him.

Watch it when you are in the mood to see half-naked women fighting against men or against each other.

Crank

If you were an ambitious small time gangster and by chance you had a rival assassin at your mercy, how would you kill him? By injecting some kind of poison into the victim's body? Maybe. But what if the poison is something that would keep your victim alive if the person keeps his adrenaline pumped up? Sounds illogical? Yes. That's why we have a movie like 'Crank' which features Jason Statham running and jumping around LA, all to keep himself alive and to finish off his rivals.

If causing damage to shopping malls or creating havoc in hospitals can't satiate his need for epinephrine, Statham cajoles his Miss-two-goody-shoes girlfriend to have sex with him in broad day light with half of Chinatown watching them intently. The final sequence where he talks on the phone while free falling from a plane is worth a mention.

Lokanadhan IAS

Starring: Kalabhavan Mani

We all love bad movies. Otherwise, we would be doing better things than pushing and prodding the cursor through some mambo-jumbo most people would find difficult to connect with. We love bad movies because they audaciously question our level of intelligence, test our patience and subject us to varying degrees of boredom, despair, alacrity and even entertainment. And then there is Lokanadhan IAS, a movie so bad that it ensures that any viewer is tortured to the fullest.

Lokanadhan(Mani), the son of a slain political activist, is an Indian Administrative Service aspirant who resides in a slum. He drives an auto-rickshaw to make ends meet and pops up at the right moment to save his fellow drivers from onslaught. Things take a far more worse turn when he gets selected for IAS.

We get to see a brown colored envelope in Mani's hands and the next thing we know is that he is posted as the Collector for his home district. How misinformed we were when we thought that the chance for a trained IAS candidate to get posted in one's home state, let alone the home town, was minuscule. Mind you, then, that we thought the training itself lasted for a couple of years and it took several years of service before for one could get posted as District Collector.

From then on, scenes filled with crass dialogues and crude action fly past your eyes, ears and brain at break-neck speed. Lokanadhan's actions as the District Collector leaves you numb for its outright stupidity and lack of logic. It gets worse when he quits his job and moves onto politics and finds himself a spot in the newly elected ministry. The plot is stretched till an overly done finale where the villain is finished off mercilessly.

Last Word: 'The Unimaginable' would have been a suitable title if this socio-bureaucratic-political drama were to be christened in English.

Black Cat

This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you. Firstly, this is not even a bad movie, it's downright horrible. From the start till the end credits it's one hell of a viewing experience.

Suresh 'Thokku' Gopi portrays two different personalities of the same character separated by time and space. And no surprises, one of them is a dynamic cop. This prompts us to raise the fundamental question. Will we ever get to see a 'Thokku' movie where he doesn't don a cop's uniform along with the omnipresent gun.

'Thokku' tries hard to invoke laughter by engaging the other personality, a dark-skinned, long-haired retard, with an accented speech but succeeds only in irritating the viewer further. Incidentally, this dark complexion is one of the two results of a blow he suffered at the hands of the villains. The other one being a loss of memory!

Meena plays a doc who has post graduation from an American university but prefers black magic along with her ayurvedic-medico mentor. Well, while treating the reatarded 'Thokku' they unwittingly unleash a Pandora's Box and forces us through this excruitiatingly painful watch.

* Watch out for the court-room sequences. You may not get to see more ridiculous judicial stuff anywhere. I got up from my seat and banged my head (literally) on the wall while watching one of those scenes.

Rating: Five Rotten Eggs

Verdict: Definitely on top of the list of all time bad movies in Malayalam.

Bada Dosth

Bad Friend

Starring : Suresh 'Thokku' Gopi, Siddique, Manoj K Jayan, Jyothirmayi

A friendly neighbourhood don worshipped by the needy and the downtrodden in a society. This good samaritan has political, judicial clout and is known by the name 'Bada Dosth'. Cracker-jacker of a name for a don belonging to Kerala, you may think. But we will have to settle for that. And surprise, this guy was a hot shot cop in his previous incarnation.

Suresh Gopi dons the khakhi and keeps his gun busy for the umpteenth time. The scene where he is introduced as 'Bada Dosth' is outright comic and the chants that follow in the background are worth a mention. Watch out for the scene where he ducks under a bullet with impeccable precision.

Abraham and Lincoln

Starring: Rahman, Kalabhavan Mani, Shwetha Menon. Director: Pramod Pappan.

This first of its kind biker movie in Malayalam came with the statutory warning that kids should not imitate its featured stunts. If only the stunts were somewhere near dangerous to what the average kids atop bikes do on our roads! But then, the kids are not as half-stupid as the makers of this 'action extravaganza'.

Well, the plot is simple yet complicated. The two revenge-filled protagonists, Abraham Dominic (Mani) and Lincoln George a.k.a Liju (Rahman) are friends-turned-foes-turned-friends! The two representatives of the gold mafia, Shankar Das and Rowther are no different. They form alliances and then turn traitors at the blink of an eye. This would have been less irritating if this process of switching sides was limited to a lesser number. But the script ensures enough confusion that you wish you were watching 'Wild Things 2' instead. The scene to look out for is the one where our hero duo hide inside a hoarding fixed on a bridge.

Were they shooting with a different kind of lens or has it something to do with the VFX? We never know. But the end result is so bad that it looks as if it was shot with a handy cam. The frames are overloaded with a sinistral mix of horrifying colours thereby justifying the makers' second statutory warning that the movie is not for the faint-hearted.

The director interjects fast forwarded wide angle shots of heavy traffic between sequences, presumably, to up the ante. This is a unique way of film-making, I should say. Buy its DVD. This is one collector's item you would be ashamed not to possess.

Rating : 3 rotten eggs

Ghost Voyage

This is one Hollywood B voyage you wouldn't want to miss. From bad acting to bad lighting to bad CGI, this supposedly horror movie makes one hell of a hilarious roller coaster ride. Watch it, relish it.
The image given is apparently from the scene I loved the most. An arm made out of puffed out smoke goes on to choke the smoker himself. It can't get worse than this.

Boys and Girls

Even a verbose might grope in the dark with absolute deficiency of words to describe this pathetically crafted show piece of work. It's so terrible that I was forced to change my perception about Silanthi, once hailed by myself as a classic in the genre of bad movies. For one, Silanthi did have something called continuity. 'Boys and Girls' beats it at that and so many other categories.

Set in the backdrop of a school in Germany(we are told it's Britain, but cant help but notice the signboards), where blonds, coloreds and Sikhs speak Tamil, a boy falls in love with his teacher and his dad does the same with his secretary. What's wrong here? It is the same woman both are in love with. Any hope of it ending there escapes as all the girls in the boy's class are in love with him. The effort to differentiate between fantasies and reality is next to impossible. I kept wondering if this was an ode to Gabriel Garcia Marquez and his penchant for magical realism! Songs and dances pop in and out without much relevance in full blooded bad movie style. The twist in the climax (ha ha ha) is even more horrendous and the final shot is extremely ridiculous. Don't give it a miss. Watch it. Hate it. Love it.