Angel John

What is bad about this?

Stale one-liners and silly pranks by Shantanu, a lazy youngster.

A crude comedy track running parallel to the main story.

Disjointed screenplay.

and finally

Mohanlal, in an extended cameo, trying hard to make the character of an Angel believable.

Amazing Posters

The Best Song Sequence Ever

This sensational video is from a movie called 'Khooni Raat'. Watch it and see how bad it can get in Hindi Cinema.

City of Ember

No matter the amount of praise we may shower on Hollywood, none would be enough to thank them for making movies at regular intervals which showcases the Americans' penchant for saving the entire human race. We have seen them fighting aliens and destructing asteroids for the sake of mankind and if you thought those were passé, in 'City of Ember' humans live in an underground city for a period of two hundred years without the knowledge of outside world. All for the wellness of our species.

The movie begins with the statement that the 'world has ended', but, we never get to see how it happened. Anyway, scientists and architects meet in a secret location and lock the 'fate of mankind' in a box to 'protect the future generations from sorrow about what they have lost'. They sets the box to 200 years and give it to the first Mayor of the Underground City. Soon, the narrative skips two centuries and we get to see a city illuminated with bulbs all around which are powered by a great Generator. However, frequent blackouts have been happening like never before and everyone in the city is alarmed.

As expected, the box of secrets ends up in the hands of a young girl who is the descendant of the Seventh Mayor and it is up to her and her friend (in pic) to find answers to a lot of questions. The boy works in the Boiler and finds his way to the generator while the girl who works as a Messenger and pin points the current Mayor as culprit. When they do find a way out of this City, any viewer wouldn't feel amused at the bumpy ride.

To the revered film makers of Hollywood, please dont make any movies of this ilk. For the sake of mankind.

Masala Mix

'Rab ne bana di jodi' came off as little surprise for me. After all, what is there to expect from a Yash Raj movie other than Punjab, Pyar and Potatoes. I would say that Indians from the northern part of the country deserves this kind of trash and more of it. The fact that this all time dumb movie could attain blockbuster status speaks volumes about the mindset of both film makers and film goers from the said region. More films of this ilk are already following suit and among them is 'Dil bole hadippa'. Though it fared miserably in the box office, most paid-critics, media bosses and 'fans' were seen showing the thumps up.

So what kind of a film is 'Rab ne..'? Is it for the masses or the classes? My best guess is that it is for the asses; the ones with their brains and their backside in swapped positions. It is one of those movies where the stupidity of the audience is taken for granted. Let us forgive the audience since they have been groomed by the same film makers by making similar dumb movies for a period of one and a half decades. But, what were our celebrated reviewers like Rajeev Masand thinking while giving positive reviews for such junk?

According to those pseudo-intellectuals, two recent successful movies that can be labelled as masala are 'Ghajini' and 'Wanted'. Agreed that these two are not the examples of cinematic excellence. But, let us check out the possibilities as to why these two are labelled B-grade while a piece of trash like Rab ne escapes unhurt. Ghajini and Wanted featured superstar Khans, had several song and dance sequences, had romance and comedy. All of these being ingredients of any other Bollywood movie. So what separates these two movies from other Bollywood releases like the ones Yash Raj or Dharma Production churns out?

Both these movies are remakes from the South and had South Indian directors at the helm. Moreover both featured a few fight sequences which the Bollywood audience hadn't seen in a while. So, that could be the criteria followed by our celebrity reviewers in tagging a movie as masala. Now, at least to an extent it is the inclusion or exclusion of action among various genres of romance, comedy and drama that defines masala. Rab ne has all the routine songs and dances, vague attempts at humour, loads of tears and just about everything B-grade about it. Yet, it doesn't fall into the masala category and one reason could be that it doesn't have any genuine fight sequences. It means that certain film makers are able to produce total junk under the pretext of emotional melodrama and are capable of eliciting positive reviews using their clout in the media.

Rab ne - Highlights

• A husband wears moustache by the day and takes it off by evening to present his alter ego before his dumb wife.
  

One of the most illogical plots I have ever seen in movies.

• Disgusting sets. The lead pair's home, the hall where dance class is held, a garage where the pair holds practice sessions, a pal's hair dressing salon, all are sets that would make stage props of any 5th grade school play look classic in comparison.

• The scene where a crying Shah Rukh Khan says "this is a story not written by us, instead by him", while pointing his finger towards a picture of Spiritual Leader of the Sikhs.
  

Right dude, when the story sucks the best thing to do is to put the blame on someone else.

• Dialogues.

Anushka. "Har ladki yehi chahtha hai.....". Dear Chopras, we have had enough of har ladki stuff. Now, please move on.

Shah Rukh. "Hey.....Raj is here.....have no fear....". For how long have we been hearing these words?

Like I said, 'Wanted' is no classic, but it is a slick adrenaline pumping movie with a screenplay that moves at a much higher pace than any Chopra-Johar melodrama. Yet, some of our beloved reviewers said it had a wafer thin plot. If so then why do they use a different yardstick while writing about movies like Kal Ho Naa Ho or Dostana (both from the Johar stable) with plots thinner than wafer? True, that in a Nation ridden with corruption, it is no big deal to buy out an entire section of the media. But, the sooner Bollywood comes out of the clutches of Yash Raj-Dharma production houses and gets rid of this unholy nexus, the better it will be for the films it produces.

Turtles Can Fly

We have seen movies far worse than 'Turtles can fly' and we too can make absolutely pathetic B movies. But then, most of those we have seen never pretended to be classics. That makes this movie special.

Now, as amateur film makers let us shoot a mediocre movie which can be heralded later as a classic. Here are a few tips on how to make an internationally (read America and its allies) acclaimed movie.

1. Set it in the pre-war Kurdish area of Iraq. This will give ample scope for portraying the anger of dissidents against the then ruler Saddam Hussein. Also, we get to show television footages of Desert Storm -II and the demolition of Saddam's statues.

Never mind if George Bush I and II combined has killed several multiples of people than Saddam ever did. That is not the point here. We have to show the plight of Kurds and that is it.

2. Come up with lines (however subtle they may be) now and then which praises the goodwill of America and its people. After all, Americans are the only ones who can 'rescue' people from 'evil'. Plus we will have several scenes where people rejoice at the very mention of American Soldiers.

3. Characterisation, especially that of men should be done in such a way that there should be no presence of young or middle aged men. That leaves us with the kids and the older lot, which will in turn give us the scope to show kids taking charge of everything. Remember, the more we present any serious issue through the eyes of children, the better we have a chance at Film Festivals.

But, there is every possibility that one would end up wishing if there was some adult who could give a slap or two to the ridiculously noisy lead character, a teenager nicknamed 'Satellite' and show him his place. Enough for wishful thinking, as it never happens.

The only consolation is that an armless boy head-butts this imp on his shoulder. Satellite then gets up with his nose bleeding, with the colour of blood being Yellow! Quite hilarious.

4. Now, using the ingredients 1,2 and 3, drag the plot as long as you can. This should ensure that you have an end product long enough for a feature film.

5. Finally, make yourself (and more importantly others) believe that your film is simply great.

There you are. Ready with your movie which is so akin to 'Turtles Can Fly'. By the way, when do they start inviting entries for Cannes?

Two Way

Blame it on directors, choreographers ,stylists or whoever is behind this curious case of mix up in Indian cinema. These two are gems of their respective industries and there is no way one can hold them at the wrong end of justice. The duo in question are Aamir Khan and Surya. It all started when 'Ghajini', the 2005 hit in Tamil was remade into Hindi three years later. Aamir's makeover for the role was not too dfferent from what Surya had sported in the Tamil version. Incidentally, when 'Tare Zameen Par' was dubbed into Tamil, Surya had lent his voice for the character played by Aamir. During the release of the Hindi version of Ghajini, both these extra-ordinary actors were in praise of each other and I just hope that their mutual respect is still intact.

Year 2009 brought another success to Surya in the form of KV Anand's 'Ayan'. But the way the song 'Nenje nenje' from the movie was shot leaves a lot of room for questions. Why was it so similar to the visuals of 'Guzarish' from Aamir's Ghajini? Was it because both these songs were shot in the same locale?










Now, 'Aadhavan' featuring Surya is about to release in a short span and one of its promotional videos has an uncanny resemblance to the visuals of 'Behka', yet another song from the Hindi version of Ghajini.









This time it is not just the locale that plays spoilsport. Surya's funky hairdo, narrow fitting denims with suspenders, sleeve-less Tshirts and even those dance moves are straight out of Aamir's book.










It is no news that Surya is a cut above the rest in the industry he belongs to, much like Aamir, and if only the people behind the camera could be a bit more creative, this kind of unnecessary plagiarism could be avoided.

Random Pick

Khatarnak
Language : Telugu
Starring : Ravi Teja, Ileana
Highlights : Hero going to school wearing shorts,
clearing 10th Class Board Exam so that he can
be placed by the villains as a mole in the Police Department.
Rating : 4 Rotten Eggs

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Mariyadhai - Vijayakanth once again as Father-Son duo.
What is it about : Sacrifice and more sacrifice.
Every character tries to win over each other by sacrificing more.

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Title :Bharathan Effect
Language : Malayalam
Starring : Biju Menon, Geethu Mohandas, Suresh Gopi
Verdict : The worst ever sci-fi flick

Robin Hood - Prince of Thieves

Language: Malayalam
Genre: Action/Drama
Starring: Prithviraj, Narein, Bhavana
Director: Joshy (or Josheiey, as he spells at times)
Rating: Three Rotten Eggs



Contrary to what one might make out from the title, the protagonist of this movie hasn't got much in common with his legendary namesake. While the latter looted the affluent and fed the oppressed, the former played by Prithviraj, steals money from ATM counters of a particular bank (fictional, of course) for a reason which is entirely personal. So if this guy is a petty thief without any social obligation then why is the title of the movie an unabashed copy of a semi-biopic Kevin Costner starer? Well, we are as clueless as those investigators shown in this movie.

To add further insult to this excuse of a plot, the director has roped in four more bad actors in pivotal roles. Narein (I just hope I spelled his name correctly!) plays the role of a private detective hired by the Chairman of the Bank to investigate the series of robberies. An attempt to give several shades to his character has gone horribly wrong here. So we see him fooling around with the Chairman's Secretary, going about with the investigation as if he is holidaying in the Caribbean, cracking inane jokes as if they are earth shattering ones, handing a blow or two to an unruly customer of the bank etc. The weight of these several personalities is too much on him and as a result he ends up as a clown and quite a bad one at that.

The next in tow is of course, the bad actor of the decade (maybe our life time too!), Jayasurya. He is thrust upon with the role of a cop that requires robustness and he fails miserably as one would expect from him. Thankfully his role is minuscule and that itself is a consolation.

The names of the female leads, both fixated(one-way, two-way, three-way etc) on Prithviraj is enough to play spoilsport in any engaging conversation and both of them, Bhavana and Samrutha (as bad as ever) makes sure that we dont have a good time. They make things difficult either with their dialogues or songs and dances.

Bhavana's character, a staff of the Bank in question, is brought
from Mumbai to assist Narein and the two of them moves in as next door neighbors to Prithviraj. To our hero these two are simply auditors. Soon they start hanging out together and in a seemingly innocuous situation Narein reveals his true identity. Well, Prithviraj's hands tremble and he helps himself to a glass of water. A few reels and a lot of yawns later the twist in the tale comes out as stale as a week old roti and we are told that Bhavana is actually Prithviraj's girlfriend cum mole-in-the-bank. Well, she might have forgotten to alert her boyfriend that the supposedly charming auditor is in fact a donkey in disguise. Such memory lapse is of course pardonable in a movie like this. In another remarkable sequence, Prithviraj sets out on his motorcycle from Kochi after midnight, stops at an ATM counter of the Bank, withdraws money using several cards, repeats the process on the way till he reaches Thiruvananthapuram. A cool round trip of 450 Kilometers with countless stops in between and he is back in Kochi by dawn! That mo-bike must be something and he must agility personified! Apart from such blatant errors, the repetitive and boring robberies, the leisurely paced investigations, the romantic tracks, the expected twists, the usual flashback, an illogical climax and an even more idiotic epilogue add to our woes.

On a general note, it must be said that whenever an Indian movie attempts to show technological advancements, we know we are in for good humour. The same holds true here too. Watch out for the scene in which Electro-Magnetic waves from an ATM is captured by an antenna which is placed in a car strategically parked by the roadside. Ditto for some of the sequences involving the designing of fake ATM cards out of used Mobile Recharge Coupons. The word 'scientific' is overused in the dialogues, if only some thought on those lines had gone into the heads of the writers.