Aalwar

In this Anniyan-meets-Ghajini movie, Thala Ajith Kumar plays the role of a one man army obsessed with eliminating criminals. He works as a morgue attendant in a hospital but is hell bent on donning a few avatars from Hindu mythology while he carries out his executions.









In the beginning, his selection of victims is either random or circumstantial. But a few minutes into the second half and we get to know that this is a standard revenge drama. The flashbacks show our hero as innocent as one could possibly be, courtsey Anniyan.







The villain kills his family, hits him on the head with a rod and leaves him for dead, courtsey Ghajini. Special mention - the scene where Ajith extends his hand towards his about-to-die sister, a straight lift from Ghajini. What is worse? The girl is named Kalpana!









The climax is yet another spectacle with Ajith getting burned from head to toe and escaping unscathed.










The presence of a heroine in this melee makes matters terrible and Asin ensures that we have a hell of a bad time watching this movie in entirety and her antics in particular.

Rakhee

Rakhee features one of my favorite 'bad stars' (pardon the anagram), Jr NTR in one of the worst avatars he could possibly don. Now, I have always made statements on how not to get confused about an actor's on-screen and off-screen character, but NTR's role as Rakhee, the savior of women, made me feel like i was witnessing Pamela Anderson give a speech on chastity. For a star whose each and every film (including the one under scanner) carries several songs and other sequences with two or more heroines in skimpy garbs and compromising positions, it was indeed very funny to listen to several lines referring to the sanctity of womanhood and how not to take advantage of the fairer sex.

Not only does he make infinitely long, tearful, boring speeches on the same topic, Rakhee (short for Rama Krishnan and also refers to the pious arm-band ) also takes revenge on behalf of his beloved multi-million number of sisters on anyone who has ever (a) teased (b) molested (c) raped (d) tortured (e) traded (f) killed them. The motivation - his real sister's tragic death in the hands of her in-laws. He begins with finishing off the entire family responsible for her death and takes up the bigger cause. So we get to see a Rakhee who goes on a killing spree without caring about the degree of crimes committed against women.

As is the case with most serial killers whose have made their presence on screen, Rakhee too follows a pattern but unlike them he takes a much lesser complicated one. He carries a small plastic bag filled with petrol and walks/drives up to his target in broad daylight and breaks the packet on the victim's head . Soon, the victim gets drenched in the inflammable liquid from head to toe (with just a quart litre) and our hero finds enough time to light a match and burn him to ashes. Now, a killer of this sort should leave something on the crime scene as his signature and what better choice than a brightly colored rakhi.

Pic: A typical Rakhee assault

The Police Department shown in the movie deserves a special mention and so does actress Suhasini. Her role of a Deputy Police Commissioner in Rakhee can single-handedly shatter all the good work she has done in her past movies. And expectedly her character who begins pursuing the killer ends up supporting Rakhee for all his 'good deeds'. She goes to the extent of shouting at her superior that Rakhee is the only real cop out there. All this adds more fun to the plot and lets us laugh out loud at the absurdity of it.

As promised by the promos, we have several songs featuring NTR either with a gorgeous Ileana or a voluptuous Charmi, both being in their near-naked best and proved to be the much needed breaks between laughs.

Pic: All those rakhis on his arm were tied by his innumerable 'sisters'!

Neelathamara

This is one Malayalam movie which would enrage those perpetual haters of the tharavadu-kindi-montha-kitchen-sambar template. Moreover, there are several visuals and subtle references to various elements of flora and fauna around the tharavadu , repetitive shots of a revered pond where the sacred lotus blooms and the exaggerated accent of all characters involved. All these are bound to make this movie a hell of sorts for any viewer who would love to see Malayalam cinema get emancipated from these age old shackles.

Watch it when you are in a sleepy mood. It would take more than 10 minutes for anyone to hear you snoring. Else skip the sleep inducing first 30 minutes and treat your hormones to the occasional display of cleavage by the leading lady.

Verdict: This lotus has no color.

A Brand New Bad New Year

Another bad year has gone past us with its share of the ever delightful bad movies. Several popular Websites and Television Channels, especially the ones from India have come up with lists like 'Ten Worst Films of 2009'. Whatever those lists maybe but one this is clear, that the hype around these 'worst' ones is slowly garnering strength. Until a couple of years ago, such a craze surrounding bad movies were unheard of in public forums. Well, if this is the kind of attention bad movies receive when a year rounds up then we can proudly exchange a few pats on our shoulders, for we are the ones who relentlessly fought for the cause called 'Bad Movies'. And now it has arrived and is here to stay!

So, quite naturally, we wont be publishing any list, as reviewing bad movies is what we do year round. We know that bad memories linger around longer than expected and hence it is quite difficult to erase a few shocks Year 2009 gave us. But dont relax guys, this year too promises some really pathetic ones. Lets wait and see.

Cheers.
Chax. In association with Pappan, Hari, Giburaj, JD, Unda, Foreman, Machan, Pranthan, Nithin, Binu, Justin, Renju, Abu, Rahul, Uncle and Youth.

2012 - YOU ARE WARNED!!

Hollywood has always fancied on Doomsday. And yet again, US saves! Only this time it couldn't prevent the catastrophe. I am a sci-fi enthusiast and let me warn you - there is nothing much sci-fi about this movie except for a few made up jargons.

Directed by Roland Emmerich, who has brought us Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow (probably still ain't satisfied saving the World for us), this is only good for its large scale graphical scenes. Infact I felt like being on a ride at an amusement park; the plane always takes off at the last minute for our HERO finds some reason for delaying like taking his daughter to the Volcano crater before it erupts which I still fail to fathom, flying between falling high rises and at one point even crashing through one, people dangling from office buildings above deep faults (cracks) developed after the massive and continuous earth quakes, gigantic Antonovs developing engine failures while a trusty caravan helps the hero overtake a seismic fault and volcanic debris. All the stunts were quite predictable to me though. Then the tsunamis devouring everything from Vegas, Washington DC, Europe, India, China...

We are revealed early on the imminent and unavoidable Earth destruction and that a governing body collects 1 billion Euros from those who wish to be passengers of a ship. The audience is left with nothing to do from here on but watch. I believe Roland did not care much to explain the scientific reasons as he doesnt want to find a solution to this. And ofcourse we have the US president who matching with current times is Black this time. Played by Danny Glover, he decides to stay back while allowing his immediate staff and daughter to alight the ship. At one point it was mentioned to be a space ship. How it sparkled hopes in me of Aliens appearing later on either being the cause or on a rescue mission shouldering US Army! Roland had other plans.

The ship was instead an ark; resembling only in the name and concept. It carries the most important political figures and billionaires, genetically superior humans, animals, artifacts. The bad scenes to watch out for are the ones when the usual romance, American family and humanitarian values emphasized through individual likes of John Cusack and others while we watch in awe as million others being disposed to the fury of nature. It is not the masses that matters; like us audience. It is John along with his divorced wife and children along with a dog making it to the ship.

After the movie you would probably end up getting your senses assaulted with liquefied brains and that "We were warned!!"

Angel John

What is bad about this?

Stale one-liners and silly pranks by Shantanu, a lazy youngster.

A crude comedy track running parallel to the main story.

Disjointed screenplay.

and finally

Mohanlal, in an extended cameo, trying hard to make the character of an Angel believable.

Amazing Posters

The Best Song Sequence Ever

This sensational video is from a movie called 'Khooni Raat'. Watch it and see how bad it can get in Hindi Cinema.

City of Ember

No matter the amount of praise we may shower on Hollywood, none would be enough to thank them for making movies at regular intervals which showcases the Americans' penchant for saving the entire human race. We have seen them fighting aliens and destructing asteroids for the sake of mankind and if you thought those were passé, in 'City of Ember' humans live in an underground city for a period of two hundred years without the knowledge of outside world. All for the wellness of our species.

The movie begins with the statement that the 'world has ended', but, we never get to see how it happened. Anyway, scientists and architects meet in a secret location and lock the 'fate of mankind' in a box to 'protect the future generations from sorrow about what they have lost'. They sets the box to 200 years and give it to the first Mayor of the Underground City. Soon, the narrative skips two centuries and we get to see a city illuminated with bulbs all around which are powered by a great Generator. However, frequent blackouts have been happening like never before and everyone in the city is alarmed.

As expected, the box of secrets ends up in the hands of a young girl who is the descendant of the Seventh Mayor and it is up to her and her friend (in pic) to find answers to a lot of questions. The boy works in the Boiler and finds his way to the generator while the girl who works as a Messenger and pin points the current Mayor as culprit. When they do find a way out of this City, any viewer wouldn't feel amused at the bumpy ride.

To the revered film makers of Hollywood, please dont make any movies of this ilk. For the sake of mankind.

Masala Mix

'Rab ne bana di jodi' came off as little surprise for me. After all, what is there to expect from a Yash Raj movie other than Punjab, Pyar and Potatoes. I would say that Indians from the northern part of the country deserves this kind of trash and more of it. The fact that this all time dumb movie could attain blockbuster status speaks volumes about the mindset of both film makers and film goers from the said region. More films of this ilk are already following suit and among them is 'Dil bole hadippa'. Though it fared miserably in the box office, most paid-critics, media bosses and 'fans' were seen showing the thumps up.

So what kind of a film is 'Rab ne..'? Is it for the masses or the classes? My best guess is that it is for the asses; the ones with their brains and their backside in swapped positions. It is one of those movies where the stupidity of the audience is taken for granted. Let us forgive the audience since they have been groomed by the same film makers by making similar dumb movies for a period of one and a half decades. But, what were our celebrated reviewers like Rajeev Masand thinking while giving positive reviews for such junk?

According to those pseudo-intellectuals, two recent successful movies that can be labelled as masala are 'Ghajini' and 'Wanted'. Agreed that these two are not the examples of cinematic excellence. But, let us check out the possibilities as to why these two are labelled B-grade while a piece of trash like Rab ne escapes unhurt. Ghajini and Wanted featured superstar Khans, had several song and dance sequences, had romance and comedy. All of these being ingredients of any other Bollywood movie. So what separates these two movies from other Bollywood releases like the ones Yash Raj or Dharma Production churns out?

Both these movies are remakes from the South and had South Indian directors at the helm. Moreover both featured a few fight sequences which the Bollywood audience hadn't seen in a while. So, that could be the criteria followed by our celebrity reviewers in tagging a movie as masala. Now, at least to an extent it is the inclusion or exclusion of action among various genres of romance, comedy and drama that defines masala. Rab ne has all the routine songs and dances, vague attempts at humour, loads of tears and just about everything B-grade about it. Yet, it doesn't fall into the masala category and one reason could be that it doesn't have any genuine fight sequences. It means that certain film makers are able to produce total junk under the pretext of emotional melodrama and are capable of eliciting positive reviews using their clout in the media.

Rab ne - Highlights

• A husband wears moustache by the day and takes it off by evening to present his alter ego before his dumb wife.
  

One of the most illogical plots I have ever seen in movies.

• Disgusting sets. The lead pair's home, the hall where dance class is held, a garage where the pair holds practice sessions, a pal's hair dressing salon, all are sets that would make stage props of any 5th grade school play look classic in comparison.

• The scene where a crying Shah Rukh Khan says "this is a story not written by us, instead by him", while pointing his finger towards a picture of Spiritual Leader of the Sikhs.
  

Right dude, when the story sucks the best thing to do is to put the blame on someone else.

• Dialogues.

Anushka. "Har ladki yehi chahtha hai.....". Dear Chopras, we have had enough of har ladki stuff. Now, please move on.

Shah Rukh. "Hey.....Raj is here.....have no fear....". For how long have we been hearing these words?

Like I said, 'Wanted' is no classic, but it is a slick adrenaline pumping movie with a screenplay that moves at a much higher pace than any Chopra-Johar melodrama. Yet, some of our beloved reviewers said it had a wafer thin plot. If so then why do they use a different yardstick while writing about movies like Kal Ho Naa Ho or Dostana (both from the Johar stable) with plots thinner than wafer? True, that in a Nation ridden with corruption, it is no big deal to buy out an entire section of the media. But, the sooner Bollywood comes out of the clutches of Yash Raj-Dharma production houses and gets rid of this unholy nexus, the better it will be for the films it produces.