Rajadhiraja

The latest offering from dancer/actor/director Raghava Lawrence titled 'Rajadhiraja - Low Class King' (pronounced as Kink by him for reasons yet to be known) stretches the bad movie phenomenon to unimaginable limits. Watching this badly scripted, badly made, badly acted flick is like getting struck by lightning - you are unsure about the proceedings until it's over, you may survive the hit but it wouldn't leave you unscathed.

Rajadhiraja urges you to keep track of your heartbeats, in between several bizarre sequences, to make sure that you are still alive and had not died and gone to hell. I'm still reeling from the effects it caused me while I was at it. I may not watch any movie at all for a few days to make sure that such a catastrophe doesn't strike me again in such a short span.

The movie kicks off with quite a few kicks delivered by the hero to unknown enemies and when it is over a narrator's voice comes up and asks us to see how everything came down to this. So we get to see Raja's (Lawrence) childhood, his dad, three elder brothers and a sister-like younger girl. In complete contrast to umpteen movies, here the dying father asks the youngest child to educate his elder siblings and turn them into a police officer, an advocate and a doctor - personifications of the three prime establishments which caused his untimely death. So we have the first song where the grown-up Raja welcomes his brothers who are dutifully dressed in a cop's uniform, a lawyer's black garb and a doc's white overalls. Needless to say that these very same brothers have an ideology contrasting that of a social conscious Raja and soon evoke their benefactor's wrath. Their allegiance to a criminal-politician called Shailaja(Mumtaz - minus a lot of kilos) make matters worse. She loves to be draped in saris only to strip them off after a bout of fiery dialogues. Thankfully, Mumtaz's rigorous workout sessions and fat burners have paid off well and we just hope that her newly acquired trim waistline is here to stay.

There are three heroines plus villain Mumtaz and no prizes for guessing why this movie was actually shot, in the first place. I couldn't have been more erroneous when I thought that the village belle who is in desperate need of oil massages from Raja was the sole female lead. Five minutes into the second half and another lissome lass barges into our hero showing footage of his massage sessions and street fights and laments on how she suspected him to be a bad guy until his friend convinced her that he was as pure as gold. Surprise! this girl is the younger sibling of Shailaja. And what happens when the two prepares for a clandestine meet? He gets to roll on a mall's floor to and fro with the fourth leading lady (Kamna Jatmalani) while his current sweetheart is staring down at them with obvious horror. Of course, these proceedings ensure that we get bombarded with yet another song sequence.

Soon, Raja devises and implements several plans to inculcate morality into his brothers and succeeds in most of them. A few glitches here and there on his part take the matters to a really bad climax. When the end credits roll alongside a miniature frame reserved for epilogue we see two heroines with the exception of Kamna alongside Lawrence. The narrator comes alive again and says something. Guess Lawrence will have to be contented with just two.

My advice to anyone attempting to see this one on big screen is to have an ambulance at your disposal. Have a go at it and put your endurance to test. It's a rare experience to come out of the auditorium alive and feeling dead at the same time.

Memorable Quote : "Tamille sonna Rajadhiraja, Englishle sonna Kink of Kink."

The Male Factor

Any filmdom in the world is bound to have trends. A trend comes into being, primarily, because film makers would want to repeat certain features of a previous film or films that were successful. But, in Bollywood it may not just be a case of repeating successful elements. Trend can be the result of a certain propaganda too. Bollywood, one of the biggest movie industries in the world used to entertain a very large section of the Indian society for decades. Sadly, post Millennium, it caters only to a certain strata of the society and has largely ignored the rest. Even when Non resident Indians have carved a niche in Bollywood's spectrum of viewership, a major chunk residing in India is out of it.

For a long time, Bollywood was synonymous with masala movies and action was one of the prime ingredients. Until it met with its demise somewhere in the 90s, that is. Since then most Bollywood movies have been either tearjerkers or brainless comedies. This dearth of action on screen has to be analysed alongside several other factors - some natural and some enforced.

The Transformation
With the success of a few movies better known in their abbreviated forms, a section of the media went to town proclaiming that movies with action and violence at its core will not work any more. Soon, Chopra and Johar, were the names to be heard everywhere. They and their followers were the ones who churned out movies set in exotic locales and giant mansions. The sequences in their movies were stuffed with a blatant overdose of emotion. Simultaneously, the very biased media went on to paint a new picture of the male of the species. According to them, this new age man was no more macho. He was quite the opposite of a conventional man.

Shah Rukh Khan, who made a name for himself by playing violent roles in several earlier films gradually transformed to become the torch bearer for these film makers and the media. This 'Superstar', the media claimed, did not kill anyone any more, did not shrug when he cried and was sensitive to female characters! The new star became buddies with the Chopras and the Johars thereby narrowing his chances to work outside their banners.

These film makers started etching out effeminate characters for lead actors and sequences peppered with gay humour, ostensibly, for the new generation of film goers. They projected their movies as cool and urbane through the same section of the media for whom Page1 was no different from Page3.

The Multiplexes
As if the Indian society was not satisfied with the sectarianism on region, language, culture, religion, caste and wealth, all of a sudden, it was split into further two with the advent of multiplexes. Now there were two set of viewers - the ones who bought a ticket and popcorn for 700 Indian rupees and revelled in the ambiance of plush malls and the ones who were condemned to satiate their quench for movies in age old 'single screens'. The phrase 'front-benchers' met with its extinction. After all, what difference did it make if you sit in the balcony or the front bench as long as you were a lesser mortal, a wretched piece of shit, watching a movie in a single screen?

Multiplex was the in-thing, the happening place, where youngsters could hang-out, where new age film makers showcased their talent before the urban - read rich - audience. Soon a new genre named Multiplex Movies that cater to its audience was born. Action and violence was out, thanks to the media and our very own close-knitted bunch of film makers. Over the years, this syndicate found moderate success in cultivating the mindset of movie goers according to theirs. As a result, women and gays, preferring snobbish female characters and gay gags on screen formed the target audience for Bollywood movies.

The Arrest
It was a year after the great Bachhan left his prolific super stardom spanning a decade and a half when everyone sat up and took notice of a man no lesser macho than Bachhan himself. The man who could portray a distressed lover and an angry young man with the same aplomb, he was Sanjay Dutt, the one who could solely take the industry forward. But things took a different turn when he was arrested for possession of an AK56 rifle smuggled into India in connection with the Bombay bomb blasts. The crown was lost.

Thereafter, among numerous trials, terms and paroles, he lit up the screen with several tough gangster roles. But he could never be the one he was destined, as everyone believed, to be. Had the likes of Sanjay Gupta, Mahesh Manjarekar and Ram Gopal Varma made more films with Dutt, Bollywood would have had no dearth of macho roles and masculine movies.

Post Ghajini
True that Ghajini featured Aamir Khan, the individualist, that ensured such a phenomenal opening for the movie. But no one can deny that its slick action and sheer thrill were the elements that catapulted Ghajini to the top-grosser slot. It succeeded in giving Bollywood and its pseudo-stalwarts a much needed shot in the arm and elsewhere.

However, it remains to be seen if this could translate into Bollywood's acceptance of a wider audience under its wings, incorporating more people, especially men, irrespective of socio-economic segregations. Glancing at the slew of films listed for release in the near future one fails to see any effects that Ghajini might have caused. With the exception of maybe 'Wanted', all others adhere to the mushy romantic-snobbish heroine-metrosexual hero multiplex movie concept.

While Hollywood has gotten over silly romance and gay comic capers and has moved to big budget action films, a faction of Bollywood is trying hard to infuse the junk thrown out of the US into the Indian mainstream cinema. If only Wanted could pick up from where Ghajini left.

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Guys, take a moment out of your precious time, step aside and take a bow in an animated fashion before this classic of a bad movie. This is one 'hell' of a 'Bad'scar material featuring everything and anything that a bad movie should possess.

We get to see mutants with frog heads (similar in shape but larger in size) armed with heavy ammo, the only virile man alive called 'Hell' who has this 'task' to impregnate women, screwed up gimmicks, bad acting, bad craft and Sandahl Bergman. When we get so much of shit, do we need to ask for more?

Bergman portrays a tight-arsed doc/scientist who engages in some crude eroticism along the way and eventually falls for Hell, our mega-potent hero. A veteran of several B movies, Bergman makes sure that her performance is in sync with all other bad factors with which this movie is ornamented.

The way the mutants are made up is both nauseating and rib-tickling at the same moment. A special mention goes to the lock (in pic) with which Hell's private parts were secured. The lock is connected to Bergman's ear rings in such a way that severe pain is inflicted to our hero's crotch lest he should make any attempts to flee. Wonder how he used to answer the calls of nature while traveling to Frogtown. All in all, never ever give this movie a miss. This is the worst that you can ever ask for.

Vallavan - wow

"Tamil films are creative, technologically advanced with good scripts,talented directors and actors"

This statement usually arises when a mallu has an argument with a tamilian regarding the quality of movies from malayam and tamil. Well, in such a scenario if you want to close the argument and leave on a winning note, ask that tamilian to watch "Vallavan".

Silambarasan a.k.a assol is a student who falls in love with his teacher 3 years older than him. He dons a disguise as a professor wearing a false teeth(quite cute) and finally wins over Nayan "Tara"(The so called teacher). Later she comes to know that he is a student and breaks off the relationship. That's when we come to know abt assol's old relationship with "Reema Sen" in school.

Seeing Chimbu and Reema Sen masquerading as school students is so CUTEEEEEEEE

Chimbu has also managed to enlighten the audience by allowing his dad, Mr Rajendar some scenes during a song.

The theme of the movie - Love(Tamils never improve)

Highlights- Directed by Chimbu with assistance from Rajendar(Seeing the movie you would be forced to belive that most of the inputs had come from rajendar)

Message from the movie - U should do anything that your gf asks from u, even if it includes licking her shoes in public.

Rating - Must Watch(U will get to know what not to do in love :))

DOA - Dead Or Alive

This is one movie based on martial arts that lovers of the genre would love to give a miss. A girl searching for her lost brother ends up in a screwed up mansion where people are pitted against one another in a battle for life. So, we get to see a daughter fighting against her dad and teaching him a trick or two in the process. The mansion is, of course, owned by a megalomaniac and soon some of the contestants join hands to oust him.

Watch it when you are in the mood to see half-naked women fighting against men or against each other.

Crank

If you were an ambitious small time gangster and by chance you had a rival assassin at your mercy, how would you kill him? By injecting some kind of poison into the victim's body? Maybe. But what if the poison is something that would keep your victim alive if the person keeps his adrenaline pumped up? Sounds illogical? Yes. That's why we have a movie like 'Crank' which features Jason Statham running and jumping around LA, all to keep himself alive and to finish off his rivals.

If causing damage to shopping malls or creating havoc in hospitals can't satiate his need for epinephrine, Statham cajoles his Miss-two-goody-shoes girlfriend to have sex with him in broad day light with half of Chinatown watching them intently. The final sequence where he talks on the phone while free falling from a plane is worth a mention.

Lokanadhan IAS

Starring: Kalabhavan Mani

We all love bad movies. Otherwise, we would be doing better things than pushing and prodding the cursor through some mambo-jumbo most people would find difficult to connect with. We love bad movies because they audaciously question our level of intelligence, test our patience and subject us to varying degrees of boredom, despair, alacrity and even entertainment. And then there is Lokanadhan IAS, a movie so bad that it ensures that any viewer is tortured to the fullest.

Lokanadhan(Mani), the son of a slain political activist, is an Indian Administrative Service aspirant who resides in a slum. He drives an auto-rickshaw to make ends meet and pops up at the right moment to save his fellow drivers from onslaught. Things take a far more worse turn when he gets selected for IAS.

We get to see a brown colored envelope in Mani's hands and the next thing we know is that he is posted as the Collector for his home district. How misinformed we were when we thought that the chance for a trained IAS candidate to get posted in one's home state, let alone the home town, was minuscule. Mind you, then, that we thought the training itself lasted for a couple of years and it took several years of service before for one could get posted as District Collector.

From then on, scenes filled with crass dialogues and crude action fly past your eyes, ears and brain at break-neck speed. Lokanadhan's actions as the District Collector leaves you numb for its outright stupidity and lack of logic. It gets worse when he quits his job and moves onto politics and finds himself a spot in the newly elected ministry. The plot is stretched till an overly done finale where the villain is finished off mercilessly.

Last Word: 'The Unimaginable' would have been a suitable title if this socio-bureaucratic-political drama were to be christened in English.

Black Cat

This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you. Firstly, this is not even a bad movie, it's downright horrible. From the start till the end credits it's one hell of a viewing experience.

Suresh 'Thokku' Gopi portrays two different personalities of the same character separated by time and space. And no surprises, one of them is a dynamic cop. This prompts us to raise the fundamental question. Will we ever get to see a 'Thokku' movie where he doesn't don a cop's uniform along with the omnipresent gun.

'Thokku' tries hard to invoke laughter by engaging the other personality, a dark-skinned, long-haired retard, with an accented speech but succeeds only in irritating the viewer further. Incidentally, this dark complexion is one of the two results of a blow he suffered at the hands of the villains. The other one being a loss of memory!

Meena plays a doc who has post graduation from an American university but prefers black magic along with her ayurvedic-medico mentor. Well, while treating the reatarded 'Thokku' they unwittingly unleash a Pandora's Box and forces us through this excruitiatingly painful watch.

* Watch out for the court-room sequences. You may not get to see more ridiculous judicial stuff anywhere. I got up from my seat and banged my head (literally) on the wall while watching one of those scenes.

Rating: Five Rotten Eggs

Verdict: Definitely on top of the list of all time bad movies in Malayalam.

Bada Dosth

Bad Friend

Starring : Suresh 'Thokku' Gopi, Siddique, Manoj K Jayan, Jyothirmayi

A friendly neighbourhood don worshipped by the needy and the downtrodden in a society. This good samaritan has political, judicial clout and is known by the name 'Bada Dosth'. Cracker-jacker of a name for a don belonging to Kerala, you may think. But we will have to settle for that. And surprise, this guy was a hot shot cop in his previous incarnation.

Suresh Gopi dons the khakhi and keeps his gun busy for the umpteenth time. The scene where he is introduced as 'Bada Dosth' is outright comic and the chants that follow in the background are worth a mention. Watch out for the scene where he ducks under a bullet with impeccable precision.

Abraham and Lincoln

Starring: Rahman, Kalabhavan Mani, Shwetha Menon. Director: Pramod Pappan.

This first of its kind biker movie in Malayalam came with the statutory warning that kids should not imitate its featured stunts. If only the stunts were somewhere near dangerous to what the average kids atop bikes do on our roads! But then, the kids are not as half-stupid as the makers of this 'action extravaganza'.

Well, the plot is simple yet complicated. The two revenge-filled protagonists, Abraham Dominic (Mani) and Lincoln George a.k.a Liju (Rahman) are friends-turned-foes-turned-friends! The two representatives of the gold mafia, Shankar Das and Rowther are no different. They form alliances and then turn traitors at the blink of an eye. This would have been less irritating if this process of switching sides was limited to a lesser number. But the script ensures enough confusion that you wish you were watching 'Wild Things 2' instead. The scene to look out for is the one where our hero duo hide inside a hoarding fixed on a bridge.

Were they shooting with a different kind of lens or has it something to do with the VFX? We never know. But the end result is so bad that it looks as if it was shot with a handy cam. The frames are overloaded with a sinistral mix of horrifying colours thereby justifying the makers' second statutory warning that the movie is not for the faint-hearted.

The director interjects fast forwarded wide angle shots of heavy traffic between sequences, presumably, to up the ante. This is a unique way of film-making, I should say. Buy its DVD. This is one collector's item you would be ashamed not to possess.

Rating : 3 rotten eggs