2012 - YOU ARE WARNED!!

Hollywood has always fancied on Doomsday. And yet again, US saves! Only this time it couldn't prevent the catastrophe. I am a sci-fi enthusiast and let me warn you - there is nothing much sci-fi about this movie except for a few made up jargons.

Directed by Roland Emmerich, who has brought us Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow (probably still ain't satisfied saving the World for us), this is only good for its large scale graphical scenes. Infact I felt like being on a ride at an amusement park; the plane always takes off at the last minute for our HERO finds some reason for delaying like taking his daughter to the Volcano crater before it erupts which I still fail to fathom, flying between falling high rises and at one point even crashing through one, people dangling from office buildings above deep faults (cracks) developed after the massive and continuous earth quakes, gigantic Antonovs developing engine failures while a trusty caravan helps the hero overtake a seismic fault and volcanic debris. All the stunts were quite predictable to me though. Then the tsunamis devouring everything from Vegas, Washington DC, Europe, India, China...

We are revealed early on the imminent and unavoidable Earth destruction and that a governing body collects 1 billion Euros from those who wish to be passengers of a ship. The audience is left with nothing to do from here on but watch. I believe Roland did not care much to explain the scientific reasons as he doesnt want to find a solution to this. And ofcourse we have the US president who matching with current times is Black this time. Played by Danny Glover, he decides to stay back while allowing his immediate staff and daughter to alight the ship. At one point it was mentioned to be a space ship. How it sparkled hopes in me of Aliens appearing later on either being the cause or on a rescue mission shouldering US Army! Roland had other plans.

The ship was instead an ark; resembling only in the name and concept. It carries the most important political figures and billionaires, genetically superior humans, animals, artifacts. The bad scenes to watch out for are the ones when the usual romance, American family and humanitarian values emphasized through individual likes of John Cusack and others while we watch in awe as million others being disposed to the fury of nature. It is not the masses that matters; like us audience. It is John along with his divorced wife and children along with a dog making it to the ship.

After the movie you would probably end up getting your senses assaulted with liquefied brains and that "We were warned!!"

Angel John

What is bad about this?

Stale one-liners and silly pranks by Shantanu, a lazy youngster.

A crude comedy track running parallel to the main story.

Disjointed screenplay.

and finally

Mohanlal, in an extended cameo, trying hard to make the character of an Angel believable.

Amazing Posters

The Best Song Sequence Ever

This sensational video is from a movie called 'Khooni Raat'. Watch it and see how bad it can get in Hindi Cinema.

City of Ember

No matter the amount of praise we may shower on Hollywood, none would be enough to thank them for making movies at regular intervals which showcases the Americans' penchant for saving the entire human race. We have seen them fighting aliens and destructing asteroids for the sake of mankind and if you thought those were passé, in 'City of Ember' humans live in an underground city for a period of two hundred years without the knowledge of outside world. All for the wellness of our species.

The movie begins with the statement that the 'world has ended', but, we never get to see how it happened. Anyway, scientists and architects meet in a secret location and lock the 'fate of mankind' in a box to 'protect the future generations from sorrow about what they have lost'. They sets the box to 200 years and give it to the first Mayor of the Underground City. Soon, the narrative skips two centuries and we get to see a city illuminated with bulbs all around which are powered by a great Generator. However, frequent blackouts have been happening like never before and everyone in the city is alarmed.

As expected, the box of secrets ends up in the hands of a young girl who is the descendant of the Seventh Mayor and it is up to her and her friend (in pic) to find answers to a lot of questions. The boy works in the Boiler and finds his way to the generator while the girl who works as a Messenger and pin points the current Mayor as culprit. When they do find a way out of this City, any viewer wouldn't feel amused at the bumpy ride.

To the revered film makers of Hollywood, please dont make any movies of this ilk. For the sake of mankind.

Masala Mix

'Rab ne bana di jodi' came off as little surprise for me. After all, what is there to expect from a Yash Raj movie other than Punjab, Pyar and Potatoes. I would say that Indians from the northern part of the country deserves this kind of trash and more of it. The fact that this all time dumb movie could attain blockbuster status speaks volumes about the mindset of both film makers and film goers from the said region. More films of this ilk are already following suit and among them is 'Dil bole hadippa'. Though it fared miserably in the box office, most paid-critics, media bosses and 'fans' were seen showing the thumps up.

So what kind of a film is 'Rab ne..'? Is it for the masses or the classes? My best guess is that it is for the asses; the ones with their brains and their backside in swapped positions. It is one of those movies where the stupidity of the audience is taken for granted. Let us forgive the audience since they have been groomed by the same film makers by making similar dumb movies for a period of one and a half decades. But, what were our celebrated reviewers like Rajeev Masand thinking while giving positive reviews for such junk?

According to those pseudo-intellectuals, two recent successful movies that can be labelled as masala are 'Ghajini' and 'Wanted'. Agreed that these two are not the examples of cinematic excellence. But, let us check out the possibilities as to why these two are labelled B-grade while a piece of trash like Rab ne escapes unhurt. Ghajini and Wanted featured superstar Khans, had several song and dance sequences, had romance and comedy. All of these being ingredients of any other Bollywood movie. So what separates these two movies from other Bollywood releases like the ones Yash Raj or Dharma Production churns out?

Both these movies are remakes from the South and had South Indian directors at the helm. Moreover both featured a few fight sequences which the Bollywood audience hadn't seen in a while. So, that could be the criteria followed by our celebrity reviewers in tagging a movie as masala. Now, at least to an extent it is the inclusion or exclusion of action among various genres of romance, comedy and drama that defines masala. Rab ne has all the routine songs and dances, vague attempts at humour, loads of tears and just about everything B-grade about it. Yet, it doesn't fall into the masala category and one reason could be that it doesn't have any genuine fight sequences. It means that certain film makers are able to produce total junk under the pretext of emotional melodrama and are capable of eliciting positive reviews using their clout in the media.

Rab ne - Highlights

• A husband wears moustache by the day and takes it off by evening to present his alter ego before his dumb wife.
  

One of the most illogical plots I have ever seen in movies.

• Disgusting sets. The lead pair's home, the hall where dance class is held, a garage where the pair holds practice sessions, a pal's hair dressing salon, all are sets that would make stage props of any 5th grade school play look classic in comparison.

• The scene where a crying Shah Rukh Khan says "this is a story not written by us, instead by him", while pointing his finger towards a picture of Spiritual Leader of the Sikhs.
  

Right dude, when the story sucks the best thing to do is to put the blame on someone else.

• Dialogues.

Anushka. "Har ladki yehi chahtha hai.....". Dear Chopras, we have had enough of har ladki stuff. Now, please move on.

Shah Rukh. "Hey.....Raj is here.....have no fear....". For how long have we been hearing these words?

Like I said, 'Wanted' is no classic, but it is a slick adrenaline pumping movie with a screenplay that moves at a much higher pace than any Chopra-Johar melodrama. Yet, some of our beloved reviewers said it had a wafer thin plot. If so then why do they use a different yardstick while writing about movies like Kal Ho Naa Ho or Dostana (both from the Johar stable) with plots thinner than wafer? True, that in a Nation ridden with corruption, it is no big deal to buy out an entire section of the media. But, the sooner Bollywood comes out of the clutches of Yash Raj-Dharma production houses and gets rid of this unholy nexus, the better it will be for the films it produces.

Turtles Can Fly

We have seen movies far worse than 'Turtles can fly' and we too can make absolutely pathetic B movies. But then, most of those we have seen never pretended to be classics. That makes this movie special.

Now, as amateur film makers let us shoot a mediocre movie which can be heralded later as a classic. Here are a few tips on how to make an internationally (read America and its allies) acclaimed movie.

1. Set it in the pre-war Kurdish area of Iraq. This will give ample scope for portraying the anger of dissidents against the then ruler Saddam Hussein. Also, we get to show television footages of Desert Storm -II and the demolition of Saddam's statues.

Never mind if George Bush I and II combined has killed several multiples of people than Saddam ever did. That is not the point here. We have to show the plight of Kurds and that is it.

2. Come up with lines (however subtle they may be) now and then which praises the goodwill of America and its people. After all, Americans are the only ones who can 'rescue' people from 'evil'. Plus we will have several scenes where people rejoice at the very mention of American Soldiers.

3. Characterisation, especially that of men should be done in such a way that there should be no presence of young or middle aged men. That leaves us with the kids and the older lot, which will in turn give us the scope to show kids taking charge of everything. Remember, the more we present any serious issue through the eyes of children, the better we have a chance at Film Festivals.

But, there is every possibility that one would end up wishing if there was some adult who could give a slap or two to the ridiculously noisy lead character, a teenager nicknamed 'Satellite' and show him his place. Enough for wishful thinking, as it never happens.

The only consolation is that an armless boy head-butts this imp on his shoulder. Satellite then gets up with his nose bleeding, with the colour of blood being Yellow! Quite hilarious.

4. Now, using the ingredients 1,2 and 3, drag the plot as long as you can. This should ensure that you have an end product long enough for a feature film.

5. Finally, make yourself (and more importantly others) believe that your film is simply great.

There you are. Ready with your movie which is so akin to 'Turtles Can Fly'. By the way, when do they start inviting entries for Cannes?

Two Way

Blame it on directors, choreographers ,stylists or whoever is behind this curious case of mix up in Indian cinema. These two are gems of their respective industries and there is no way one can hold them at the wrong end of justice. The duo in question are Aamir Khan and Surya. It all started when 'Ghajini', the 2005 hit in Tamil was remade into Hindi three years later. Aamir's makeover for the role was not too dfferent from what Surya had sported in the Tamil version. Incidentally, when 'Tare Zameen Par' was dubbed into Tamil, Surya had lent his voice for the character played by Aamir. During the release of the Hindi version of Ghajini, both these extra-ordinary actors were in praise of each other and I just hope that their mutual respect is still intact.

Year 2009 brought another success to Surya in the form of KV Anand's 'Ayan'. But the way the song 'Nenje nenje' from the movie was shot leaves a lot of room for questions. Why was it so similar to the visuals of 'Guzarish' from Aamir's Ghajini? Was it because both these songs were shot in the same locale?










Now, 'Aadhavan' featuring Surya is about to release in a short span and one of its promotional videos has an uncanny resemblance to the visuals of 'Behka', yet another song from the Hindi version of Ghajini.









This time it is not just the locale that plays spoilsport. Surya's funky hairdo, narrow fitting denims with suspenders, sleeve-less Tshirts and even those dance moves are straight out of Aamir's book.










It is no news that Surya is a cut above the rest in the industry he belongs to, much like Aamir, and if only the people behind the camera could be a bit more creative, this kind of unnecessary plagiarism could be avoided.

Random Pick

Khatarnak
Language : Telugu
Starring : Ravi Teja, Ileana
Highlights : Hero going to school wearing shorts,
clearing 10th Class Board Exam so that he can
be placed by the villains as a mole in the Police Department.
Rating : 4 Rotten Eggs

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Mariyadhai - Vijayakanth once again as Father-Son duo.
What is it about : Sacrifice and more sacrifice.
Every character tries to win over each other by sacrificing more.

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Title :Bharathan Effect
Language : Malayalam
Starring : Biju Menon, Geethu Mohandas, Suresh Gopi
Verdict : The worst ever sci-fi flick